Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Dear Diary....

Yes! That would be the right headline. Another week is gone. And again I was busy...

I wasn't satisfied with the house... again. So I decided, to build the whole house new. Oh my gosh! What a work. I'm still building, changing structures, not sure, where it will end. I hope I'm getting ready soon, so we finally can start the fraternity.

But that's not what I wanted to talk about today. I wanted to talk about last night. It started nice with a punishment for Andrej. He did some things wrong... not too bad, but bad enough to earn a punishment. I rented a skybox, but in the middle of the punishment time was over and we were ejected. Damnit!
Okay, we went to his apartment and had sex. We wanted to go on with the punishment later, but somehow we ended shopping with Rammy.
So far, so good!

Then Andrej had to go to a date with Quirt. - I'm still not sure, what's that between the both. No, I'm not jealous! But I feel somehow excluded, cause Andrej doesn't talk much about it. I guess it's because he's a dom to Quirt. And I can't bear it, to see my little angel as a dom. I saw him once and he was so hot, that I suddenly went all submissive. Can't take that. Not yet!

So, Andrej went and me & Rammy were alone. Rammy suggested - or better say: decided (!), that I need a spanking. Well, he was right, but can he just decide this? Hm... However, I agreed. I had so much in my mind in the last days and weeks. ~ The house-building, all the new pledges who apply, the organisation of the fratgroup (and no help from Rammy's side in these issues. Maybe *I* should "decide" to spank *HIM*???), Andrej and last but not least Jeremy, who was first a little annoying and obstrusive, then rude and defiant and at last non-present at all. I had the bad feeling that I negelcted him and treated him unfair.
However! I had so many things in my mind, things I've done, things I still have to do... I feel so exhausted and tired. Maybe kind of "guilty" too for the one or other reason. I'm trying my very best and still have the feeling it's not enough... So, I thought, a spanking from my beloved brother would help, to come over with some things, get my mind free. A kind of catharsis.
But it all went so wrong!!! Rammy started to spank me, and I waited that he forces me to talk about all the things that burden me. I gave him some hints, but I wasn't ready to talk about it by my own will. But Rammy didn't get the hints. He just said things like: "Oh, I spank you, cause I have the feeling that you need a spanking. I'm not interested in other reasons. blablabla"
I tried and tried and tried, but he kept on spanking me without caring about the things I wanted to tell him. I couldn't help it and started crying. In fact I was still crying hours later. I'm almost crying right now again, when I remember it and write it down. If I didn't KNEW he loves me, I would say he hates me! Then, after about half an hour, I gave up. I didn't say anything more, just yielded up to my fate. I think, he didn't even recognize that.
Finally he made me stand up. Well, I tried, but I almost couldn't stand. So I didn't complain as he commanded me to kneel before him. He talked something like he's "my dom" from now on and he will spank me if he got the feeling, I need it and other blabla. I have to admit: I didn't really listen anymore. I was so disappointed and upset and angry and sad... I suddenly couldn't take it anymore and said good-bye to him. I just had to leave!

So, this night was a mess!!! Well, he did talk to me afterwards and I tried to explain. But I'm not sure, if he understood. He gave me advice. Ha! I didn't want his advice!!! I just wanted him to spank me and then hold me and hold me and hold me and soothe me. At the end I apologized for my behaviour. - Yes! You read right. *I* apologized! What a studip idiot I am!!! Why the hell do I have the feeling that I have to apologize to everyone??? It should be him to apologize to me, for treating me like shit, for leaving me alone with all the work at the frathouse, for not listening.

Goddamnit! I'm so confused... I don't know what to do. How to manage all the work and all the feelings and all the requirements. Maybe it's time for a break?

But hey! I'm a tiger-cat. Cats always land on their four feet. And they have nine lifes. I have the feeling, my first life ended last night. Eight more to come. So: Hello world! With a loud RRROOAAARRRR (and a very sore ass) !

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