Red Devil Tiger

LOL - That picture always cheers me up! - Yesterday JC invited me to a soccer-party. And tiger created the dress of his hometown soccer-team. Even had red horns as the soccer team is called "Red Devils". Oh my, looked sooo cute somehow. But to be honest: I have no idea about soccer!

Well, don't wonder about tiger being a little silent. Started a very serious entry and somehow I'm not able to finish it. Not even sure if I should post it or delete it.

Tiger isn't in the best mood. Feels a little lost. A little disappointed too. And confused and torn - but that's the usual state of tiger. *hehe* So, read more in the next days...

"Save a horse - Ride a cowboy" or just "/JC"

Wanna talk about that cowboy. Sexy thingens! How can someone who never gets naked (well, except for some photoshootings...) and doesn't care much about clothing either (jeans, a cowboy-hat... so that's it) be so damn hot???

Well, you know: Tiger is very good in figuring out other people. It's that little kinda empathic thingens. Dunno about that; ' guess it's just a kind of over-sensitivity and special attention. But this is one of the few cases tiger has no idea. Maybe it's just the fact that tiger can't accept such a popular guy is even interested into knowing little tigers like me? - Hm, strange: Tiger still feels mousy (just found that word in the dictionary. Dunno if it fits!? But of course I looooove it! "mousy...." *hehe*) in a big crowd of hot and sexy people. - Polite distance and frankly flirting at the same time. That's confusing tiger like me. Awwww, tiger better keeps his paws off and so he always has to fight the urge to shred that cowboys clothes. Well, he can leave the hat on... *purrrrrrrr*

However, late night yesterday (well, early morning for tiger) JC invited me and others for party-hopping. Was funny as I was naked at another party, got dressed quickly with next best clothes I found (which was in fact a gorgeous ensemble of hot gothic stuff) and was tp'd to a party where almost everybody was... well, nekkid! Brought Tim and my little bro Kyne with me. Poor Kyne... so slow rezzing. He misses all the fun of watching naked hot guys!

After a little dancing we hopped to the next party, but I couldn't stay long as master came online and commanded me to him. Well, in fact he didn't really "command" me. He said hello and asked if I had fun, but I wanted to see him, so I more or less offered him to command me. Which sounds a little paradox, doesn't it?

Well, what happened then is another story...

Ain't no other

/me smiles - Isn't life ironic? Yesterday I met prince at PGC. And I requested "Ain't no other man" from the DJ for him. And just the moment the DJ announced it, prince went afk. Well, he caught the end of the song, I guess. And then moved to the other side of the dance-floor. And today I read, that he's down and feeling inferior. *sigh* So, here it is again. Just for you:

I could feel it from the start,
Couldn't stand to be apart.
Something about you caught my eye,
Something moved me deep inside!
Don't know what you did, boy,
but you had it and I've been hooked ever since.

I told my mother, my brother, my sister and my friend
I told the others, my lovers, both past and present tense.
Everytime I see you everything starts making sense.

Ain't no other man, can stand up next to you
Ain't no other man on the planet does what you do
You're the kinda guy, a girl boy finds in a blue moon.
You got soul, you got class.
You got style with your bad ass
Ain't no other man its true
Ain't no other man but you.

Never thought I'd be all right.
Till you came and changed my life.
What was cloudy now is clear
You're the light that I needed.
You got what I want boy, and I want it!
So keep on givin' it up!

...

You are there when I'm a mess
Talk me down from every ledge
Give me strength, boy you're the best
You're the only one who's ever passed every test

....

And now I'm tellin' you, so ain't no other man but you.

...

Roar

Tiger feels good. But I don't have much to tell.

Met Rammy yesterday and we had some good talking for hours. I recognized: I missed that! Some serious conversation about politics, history, culture etc. Well, nobody knows tiger as good as his brother Rammy, even if our lifes gone different ways in the last weeks.

Met Kyne then for a while and had some incestuous fun with the little brother. *hehe* Too bad, he got such a bad connection and is slow loading.

Hm, what else? Went to Hot 'n Hung with Tim for an hour naked dance. Then I put my jockstrap on for the jockstrap party at WET. Isn't it amazing? One should think, when you go to a jockstrap-party you have to take clothes OFF. mmmm, naughty tiger! So, Tim, Conner and Kyne were there too. And although NONE of those three were able to vote for me I won the contest with five votes! *purrrrr* 500 Lindens. That's fine! Especially after I didn't work the whole week. Well, after tipping the DJ and the GM there was only half of it left, but that's oki.

Oh, and yesterday I suddenly recognized that I forgot to tell about Prom night on saturday. How could I forget?!? Dancing with JC and the other hot guys? mmmmmmmm We all looked so good, but poor tiger was in lag-hell again. I dunno, what it is. I took off everything: XCite-parts, all my HUDs, name-tags... nothing helped. Too bad that I missed the after-party, cause it got too late for me and had to work a few hours laters.

Well, that's it so far. Spanks wasn't there yesterday. He takes a break and will be away for the weekend. Is oki. Hope he's well.

No pics today. I forgot to take. Should really take more pics....

Tiger is back

Oh my, so much to tell again. Found a master on friday. Made up with prince on saturday. Was so happy for two days. Had a session with that master. Prince couldn't handle it. Which is a little ironic, but okayyyy.... - Hm, so we tried to talk it out, insulted another, hurt each other... the usual.

So, what's REALLY new? New is, that after a very, very long day and night of talking and chatting to different friends, someone opened Tigers eyes. Someone I didn't expect to. And surprise: After a short sleep today, tiger found something he had missed for a while: His balance, power and strength!

However, I refuse to beat around the bush anymore. No searching for hints and signs, questioning myself "Does he love me as I love him? Is there a chance to get him back?" etc. - Nope! I just say it frankly: Yes, I love him. Yes, I miss him. Yes, I want him back. But no, not under any circumstances. We once said "no obligations", but it doesn't work without them. That's what makes the difference between fuckbuddies and lovers. I tried to bend myself, but that wasn't good for both of us. So, tiger is here! Take him or leave it, prince! But be prepared. And tiger is prepared too. If necessary ready for being collared. But if you don't want to, then it's okay too. Tiger finds his way. And that is this.

Well, about the master... Hm, what to say? He's nice to tiger and gave him the feeling he cares for him. If reborn powerful tiger want's that anymore? Dunno. Will talk to him later. He will understand. And that's the good thing about him.

Apart from that, dunno what happened. Didn't work, did neglect friends. Had not much sex. It's really time for changes!

Dancing again

Oh, so much to tell but not enuff time right now. Just one thing - mucho importante! ~~~> Logged in yesterday and immediately got a message from my prince. Asked for talking. Went there, very nervous. And then we talked for hours. Dunno how long. Time always flies. And we made up. Give it another try. And it was good. Went dancing then to Lucifers remorse with costume party. I went as He-tiger. Hehe. Tell you more next time. RL calls.

~*~ Tiger is happy again! ~*~

yawwwwwn

Gee, it was late last nite! Well, for me it was early morning. Did a dance-job at MileHigh very late, together with Mykel, Nikita and Art. All in leather. I wanted to go butch with streetfighter skin and mohawk and... Man! I DID look butch. So butch that I didn't recognize myself. So I changed again. Didn't feel comfy with that. - However, it was lots of fun in the beginning, flirting and dirty talking. But at the end everyone became quiet and I was the only one talking. That's frustrating, when others are either caught in IMs or afk. Not to tell about no tipping at all. But I had fun anyway, so what.
The other dance-job at Spiritz earlier that night was even more frustrating. What chance does a gay boy have, when the guests are straight males or lesbian women? I did all the entertainment, talked to the guests, made some nice poofs and stuff, whereas the two girls only camped their av's and didn't say much at all. But they go tipped and I got nothing. So unfair! Maybe they are flirting with the guests in IMs? Maybe I'm not as entertaining as I think but just annoying? I dunno.
In between both gigs I spent a little time at home. Relaxed. Talked in IMs. Then got invited by JC to Jakes. I like it there. There's entertaining communication, not only annoying Woohoooos. It was pinch-day and I pinched a lot. Didn't get pinched much myself. So tiger worries about his looks now. :-(
But we spread the JC-virus. Means: I found that gesture "Save a horse, ride a cowboy" and gave it the shortcut "/JC". Hehe, that's fun when everybody uses it as soon as he appears somewhere. Too bad I had to leave for the MileHigh-dancejob.
Oh, and before the job at Spiritz I was at the cellar. And Spanks was there too. *sigh* He's still confusing my emotions. One moment I feel we both had the urge to fall into the others arms and hug and kiss for hours, the next moment there comes a remark (from him as well as prolly from me) which cuts the invisible tie between us. So maybe that tie was just wishful thinking on my side. I dunno.
Oh, and Damos came back. He showed up late at MileHigh. Poor boy has to do active duty on the military cause of some fluting rivers. Very exhausted and tired and dirty and smelly he was (mjamm!). And has to go on this weekend with sandbagging. Best wishes to you, hun!
And sweet Kyne came back too from his vacation. Had no chance to talk to him much. Wanted to play with him at Jakes, but he's always crashing. I had a little bad concious that I didn't take myself enuff time to talk (and play) with him somewhere at home, but I just wasn't ready for it.

Well, that was my thursday. And wednesday? Was all for Dafydd's and Tim's wedding. The ceremony was wonderful, even if some problems were going on and Damos was missing as groomsman. I was more nervous then groom and groom, I guess. After the ceremony there was some time to kill. Didn't know what to do, cause I didn't want to change my gorgeous outfit. So, as party started... I became an emotional mess immediately. All those love-tunes played in the beginning... oh my! I started to cry and couldn't stop the next half hour. But of course it was a happy day for the others, so I just stayed silent. It became better as music changed into dance-music.
Late at night JC invited me to a performance, so I left the party (most guests were gone already, one of the grooms too). Was okay, cause I needed some chill-out. And I joined JC at that performance of an artist who did some talking, showed pictures and played piano. It was nice and relaxing. Loved it and was a wonderful ending of my night.

So, you see.... not much happened in tigers life. Had the impression I wasted too much time. Should use it for cleaning my inventory, working on the frathouse and stuff like that. Instead of doing that, I'm strolling around, searching for parties and distraction. Should change that...

dancing queen

I'm not so sure what I did the last two days. I've been on a lot, killing time mostly. Looking for distraction. Heading from one party to the other on monday. I can't remember how many parties I joined. Yeah, it's a little distraction but not much fun being caught in your thoughts and your sadness inside while trying to act funny and interesting to the outside. Hm, don't think I was at all.
Did only one dance-job on mondays. Haha! No guests! But it was okay, dancing with Ruth and the other dancers. No problem. But I really hope it will get better there soon. Why do I always get dance-jobs at places with no guests? Hm... Maybe not good enuff for others. Dunno. Who cares?

Good thing is: My little Douggie had more time for his tiger. Spent some nice hours together. It's good to have him around again.
And Ken's still there. Acting a little strange sometimes. Caring and nice the one moment, commanding and jealous and bitchy the next. Dunno.
Well, and talked to Dafydd again. I neglected him the last weeks to please my prince, cause I knew he wouldn't like it. But it's okay now, I guess. Dafydd's and Tim's wedding is today, so I was shopping with Dafy for nice clothes. And I do have to tell: I think tiger looks gorgeous in his outfit as groomsman!

What else? Spent some time working on a menu in the frathouse. I should work there more, but always ask myself: What for? Why not just deleting the whole damn thing and build a nice big house for me and my family and friends? It costs a lot of money and time and isn't appreciated anyways. But I like my small cozy beach-house; don't need a bigger one. So I'll just wait and see.

Hm, okay... The main thing happened: I talked for some minutes in IM with HIM. I was so upset cause he accused me of neglecting something which was important for him. That was so unfair! Cause everytime I tried to talk about it, he became first sad then grumpy. So finally I avoided to mention it. And now he says I wasn't interested. That's mean and unfair and just a lie!
Well, that he's mean just helps to get over him. What I see as spending time with my beloved, he calls "fuck me on demand". When I complain, that a damn pole-dance-job is more important to him then making up our relationship, he calls me "wrapped up into myself" and "clingy and petty". His last words have been "Go play with your kitty kats!". And yes, I will! Only have to solve the problem, that I still love him and miss him so much. Arrrrrgggggggggggggg!

missing

Well, sunday is over and I survived. That's what I'm going to do: Surviving one day after the other. It will get better, I hope. It will get worse, I'm afraid. I haven't even cried yet. Searching for distraction all the time. Either I'll get a breakdown these days or I'll find balance back. Dunno.
Had not much time to think yesterday. Had to go to work soon at Spiritz. Sunday is striptease there, so it was the right thing for tiger. Kiefer and me played with the guests. And as Kenneth arrived, I concentrated on him. Hm, neglected the other guests a little bit, but there weren't too many anyways. And Ken tipped me (though I would have played with him without the tip anyways).
Rammy arrived too, but party was over soon, so we went to the gallery to take a look at our pictures. I'm still waiting for some copies, but I'm not sure if we are expected to BUY them!? You know, I had fun at the shooting and I don't complain modelling nude, but actually you get paid for modelling. Of course I don't expect that, but I definitely refuse to buy the pictures then.
Then we went to Jake's. I've never been there before though I read about it on JCs blog. 't was nice but lag-hell started again. Oh my, that's so disappointing when you're surrounded by hot guys and you can't look around, cause your screen freezes as soon as you move an inch. I heard JC and looked out for the cowboy hat. That's cool! Easy to find in the crowd (except we're doing a naked cowboy hat line dance again). So, tried to dance over to him at the other end of the dance-floor. Gee! Took me about 10 minutes to get there, moving very careful, but touching zillions of butts and cocks on my way by accident. I swear! Accident! Finally there I only stared at his butt-crack and didn't dare to move my eyes anymore. Well, who complains? Couldn't even write most of the time.
Well, wasn't in the mood to talk much anyways. My Prince was on, but we didn't meet or talk the whole evening. Oh my, how I missed him! But maybe to see him, to have him near me would only cause more pain. So it's oki.

What I miss the most is feeling him. It was never before and I'm afraid it will never be again like with him. Every touch of him I felt in RL. His skin on my skin... I felt it. Felt his breath on my neck, his hands on my body, his soul connected to mine... *sigh* [brain shouts: "STOP IT, TIGER!!!!"]

However, Kenneth brought me to bed. Hm, he's still a little weird. Dunno. I asked him to do me the favor to hold me while I'm falling asleep (log off). I didn't tell him about the break-up though; bothered him too much with my problems in the last two weeks. - So, I asked him to hold me and suddenly he got dressed, stood up and said he had to go. I was disappointed, but I refused to tell him how much I needed someone to hold me. Thank god he changed his mind and came back to the rug to hold me till I fallen asleep.

Hm, what else? I want to change my haircut for the human form. It's just time for a change. And this Franzi looks too innocent. Bought a nice cap similar to the cute one that Douggie has. Fits me well, but isn't much of the fratboy; more a tiger without ears. *hehe* So, I'll have to look around more for it... But first of all RL calls for some hours...

engagement party

Yesterday was Clintons and Coreys engagement-party. I have to admit, I wasn't sure about it. I was afraid of another 2 hours of hell. But at the end it was fun.

I met Clinton for a few minutes before I went to work. Told him about my disappointment and got a big hug from him. That was nice.

After RL-work I had some time before the party started, so I did some SL-work. Means: Had a client and earned some money.

Party was really ok. Had fun. Prince was there too of course. Dunno if he just doesn't care or if he doesn't recognize we broke up or whatever. But I have to admit: He was so damn sexy! I watched him secretly changing his clothes in a corner. And recognized, that I still love him with all my heart. But there's no hope in loving someone who just isn't able to love back. I just accepted it, trying to stay friends, but keeping distance if I want to survive this and keep a minimum of self-respect. It's prolly not his fault. I should have known it before, so I don't blame him.

After party was over I went home. Needed some silence. I invited Kyne and he came over. We snuggled on my new rug. I'm really very fond of that thingens and want to advertise it. It's cheap, but the animations are soooo nice and hot.
So, however... we snuggled and cuddled and finally things happened that had to happen: We became very incestuous. I was very happy as he said at the end, that this was definitely worth waiting for. I enjoyed it very much too.
He's away for a few days now (on vacation) and I miss him already. He was there for me and listened to me a lot in the last 2 weeks. *sigh* I'm glad, that I have such a sweet little brother.

hawwwwt

Before I went to RL-work today I coincidently found out reading JC's Blog that there are two of our pictures in Brady's Gallery! Of course I had to log in immediately and take a look at it. Gee! We look hawwwwwt! Hope I get copies of the pictures soon!

Oh, and as I came back from RL-work, I found lots of comments of JC. I think he almost left a comment on every thread. Seemed to have fun reading tigers blog. Kewwwwl! Thank you, sweety!

I think I've seen him several times before at parties, but a sexy guy like him would never recognize a shy little tiger like me. */me clearing his throat* He reminds me a little of the young Chad Allen, but maybe it's just the cowboy hat he's always wearing?


Oh, we had really lots of fun taking those pictures. Wished, SL would always be fun like that!

I will Sir5

Friday was such a mess again. Oh my, when will tiger finally find his balance back?

Nothing was as expected. And Badpuppy was two hours of hell. Clinton said "We need our tiger there!", and I felt honored, but all they needed was my dance-huddles. *grrrrr* So I had to try to link everyone, everybody "yelled" (IM) at me, Clinton commanded me around "Link him! Do this! Do that!" and I had to fight all the time not to crash. And all this after... Well, I won't talk about it yet. Let's just say, I finally accepted, that a special someone is just coldhearted and cruel and selfish and doesn't recognize love, when it bites him in the ass. Everybody told me before, now I finally recognized (or accept) it myself.

So... Greg was DJing and I wanted to hear GGs "I will survive" fitting to my mood. But I have the impression, some don't understand, why I'm always afraid that the disco-ball would crash down on me, when I hear that song. So, here's the video:

another uhm...

found this on my babe's site. Uhm... Me? of all people? What a surprise!

Imaginative, erotic, passionate You prefer to have one partner and to try everything with them. You have an enormous sexual appetite, and you often create sexy scenarios to play out with your significant other.

Take this quiz at QuizUniverse.com

happy after all

Oh, two days gone again, no time to write. First of all: Made some quick nude-shots for an application. Although I was in hurry I think they aren't too bad. I add them here randomly. Do I have to set the blog to "mature content" finally?

Okay, let me think what happened in the last two days... - Wednesday was ok. Been busy in RL, but sneaked in as I saw that beloved prince is on. Wanted to make things up. And we did. Was so happy!

As I awake late that night, prince wasn't there. So I went to a dance contest "best neko in shorts". While I was dancing, he came online and danced with me. I was so laggy that I couldn't do much. Not even talking most of the time. Rammy came too. And finally - OMG!!! - I won (!!!) the contest. I couldn't believe it. You know: Everybody says tiger is hawt, but I'm still insecure. Sure, tiger likes himself, but there are so many other hotties out there... Much hotter than tiger.
Strange thing anyway: The way tiger sees himself and the way others recognize him. Corey told me the other day I was the most socialising person he ever met. Hello? Me?!?!? I'm the shyest person I know. No kidding! When they call THAT socializing, then what would they say if I wouldn't delete 2/3 of my chat, because I'm too shy and insecure to send it? Or if I could talk German, where I would be much faster?

Well, prince had to go to bed soon. I couldn't hug him good-night, cause I was still busy in the contest, but things seemed ok. We were saying good-night in IMs and I didn't worry. Hoped for the next day where we wanted to spend a lot of time together.

I don't know exactly, what I did the rest of the night. Really! Don't know it. Was too tired. I think I was practising the planned wedding-present for Corey and Clinton. Showing it to my sister Nia and to Kyne (who didn't see much of it cause of his rezzing-problems).
But I'm not so sure about the present anymore. I have to admit, I'm a little disappointed. Had very hard days the last week and none of the two asked what the problem is. Well, they are busy and they got enuff problems with their former landlord and they can't care about every problem of their staff-members and they may think they better keep out of it and... well, may have many reasons. But just a little hug would have been nice. Tiger loves huggies. Tiger needs huggies.
Soooo, it's business, not friendship, I guess. And the present would be very expensive. I'm not sure if I should really buy it. But as it's immaterial in some way, I could use it later... So it's not decided yet. Still waiting for prince's opinion.

And I made the pictures for the application for Spiritz. - You remember the club I was ejected from the other day? Met Kiefer at the contest again and talked about it. He gave me an application form, so I made some nude-pics for it.

I ended at a club with Kyne; the place where D. and Tim are working. At last I gave a short visit to the interim-Blubar-club, but it wasn't fun at all. I was too tired.

~~~******~~~~~~~

Thursday I was busy RL. Not much sleep and waiting for a friend for a spanking-session. He didn't arrive at time, so I got a little concerned. While I waited, I logged in and met Kiefer who hired me immediately for the club without any interview. We danced and talked a little, then my RL-date came and I had to go.

Oh my... that date was a mess! I felt so bad afterwards. And all I could think of was to run into prince's arms and get hugged and kissed and tell him the whole story.... But before I logged in, I read his journal and - oh, no!!! - he was so disappointed and sad about his tiger. It was a big misunderstanding but caused a very long discussion. Another arguement. And I wasn't prepared for it. So I gave up finally. Went to PGC for dancing and distraction, but everything was going on my nerves. As Kiefer arrived, I was dancing with him. Silent. But couldn't concentrate on any chat. Then prince arrived and danced at the other side of the dancefloor. Oh my, how I wished to run to him and hold him and hug him and kiss him... but didn't dare.
As he finally IMd me and told me that this is no fun without me, I was so happy. I told him to come over and join us. Well, it was a little funny, cause we ran around the dancefloor to meet each other... We didn't talk, but I felt connected again. And that was so good!

Too bad I had to go to my first performance at Spiritz then. But it was good that prince allowed me to kiss him and I was hopeful. I wouldn't have survived that first performance when I would have still been in arguement with him.
The club itself... hm, what should I say? Tips were lousy. The security guy (yeah, the same who ejected me before) annoying, begging every 2 minutes "Don't forget to tip the security too!". Oh my! You don't do that. You just don't do that! I don't know any dancer who would say "Don't forget to tip me!". It's embarrassing enuff when the host says something like "Show the dancers some linden love!", but no dancer ever begs for tips himself. A question of honor!
However... apart from that and lousy tips and apart from being far away from a gay-club as Kiefer had told me --- yes, I was the only male dancer. And guests were 90% lesbians, I guess. Hello?! No chance for gay tigers! But other dancers didn't get more tips, so it wasn't only my disappointment.... ---- So, apart from all that I indeed had fun. I danced with a female dancer, Helen. Added her to my huddles, so we did erotic dancing together and really looked hot together!




We started to chat in IM a little, what's a little difficult, when you're supposed to concentrate on open chat. And suddenly she asked "Are you deaf or hard of hearing?" - Oh my, I panicked! For me it sounded like she yelled at me. And I thought I overheard something very important in open chat. I searched chat-history up and down, but couldn't find anything. Gee! I was sooooo nervous. But then I remembered something as I checked Kiefers profile; so I checked hers and .... yeah! Both are members of "Deaf gays and lesbians". Whew! So, it wasn't the chat, she just really wanted to know, if I'm deaf in RL.
That was the moment I checked, that Kiefer is deaf too. And prolly some of the other guys and girls at the club? Didn't check that yet. (Oh, and today I recognized another little secret about Helen, but I won't tell here. Promise, sweets!)
However it was fun at the end. We had a staff-meeting for another hour. Most of it because the security guy annoying the guests with his begging. And some organisation stuff; but I'm new there, so I couldn't say anything. And of course I was eager to fall in prince's arms soon.

Finally I could go and ran to my love. We hugged and hugged and hugged. And hugged a little more. Forget the world around us. Was sooooo good. I hope we stop fighting and arguing and hurting each other now.
Damos was there too. We danced a little and Spanks and me turned Damos on. - Damos really surprised me. Didn't know what to think of him in the beginning, but he actually is a really nice guy and I start to like him a lot. Wouldn't have something against a threesum with him. But especially this night I was glad, that prince and me ended twosome in his castle, me bringing him to bed. *sigh happily*

Wasn't left much after prince fell asleep. I bought a cuddle-rug at the shop of Kynes boyfriend. It's a really nice rug and not expensive. I love it! I think I'll buy one for prince too, if he wants one. And maybe some for the frathouse. I already asked, if Kynes BF could make a bigger one for more then two frats (but now found out, that it's based on MLP, so there are no more then 2 poseballs possible).

Ended with a nice talk with Kyne on my new rug in front of the fireplace of my beachhouse. And finally fallen asleep with Kyne in my arms. Such a nice new little brother I have, but very incestuous thoughts... hehe

Well. RL calls soon. And tonight's important party at Badpuppy. Somehow I missed *why* it is so important, but as they all they so... Important for me is to meet my prince again and to dance and flirt with him like in the times before this messy week. I hope that's over now and we both can be happy together again.

uhm.....

found this at JC's blog. I'm a little surprised. But maybe the result is always the same? Cause it's the same as for JC. Hm...

So, my soul-mate would be:

provider.

you like that they provide the security and luxury while all you have to do is enjoy it. because spoiling you is what make them happy. they love to show you off and to make you happy. they work hard play hard and fall in love hard. they would walk to the end of the earth for you. tresure this love!

Take this quiz at QuizHeaven.com

aimless

Just recognized that I didn't mention my new stripes yet. I really should get used to making pictures more often. Can't decide if I like the white or the black ones better. But I think the black ones are sexier.

And I took a better picture of Kyne. Such a sweety. Don't know if he were good for me. He's so nice to me and full of compliments... And I asked myself several times in the last days: Why can't I fall in love with someone like him? Someone who... hm.... kind of "adores" me and appreciates tigers qualities? But no-ho.... Tiger always falls in love with guys treating him like shit and/or ignoring him. Unreachable for him. Must be a special kind of masochism or something. Dunno...

However, tiger had a bad night, but tried to hide his true feelings. Found a kind of special gift for Corey and Clintons wedding; not sure about that yet... Then - after some annoying SL-grid problems - went dancing at Spiritz. - Haha, that was kind of funny though it made me upset: Kiefer, the owner, invited me. But I was the only guest at the beginning. Only Kief and two dancers who didn't do any work at all (just camping. I hate that). So I flirted with Kiefer, did some entertainment, told him I would make a much better dancer. He wanted me and I should fill in an application, but why should *I* fill in an application, when THEY want ME? They should apply to me, not the other way round. *hehe* Tiger is becoming a little arrogant.... Nah. kidding.- However, I invited Ken and some other dancers and guests arrived too. And Kiefer and Ken and some other guests and dancers tried to persuade me to strip. - Well, you know: tiger doesn't need much persuasion for THAT. But as soon as I was down to my cockring I got an IM from an security guy that I'm freezed now (didn't see that) and I should get dressed immediately. Well, I took off my cock and searched for some undies, copied and pasted the threat of that security a**hole to the open chat for Ken to see (cause he kept tipping for nothing) and *wwooooosh* I stood naked at the edge of the parcel. Ejected. Haha! I didn't know if I should laugh or be upset. I was laughing upset. Kiefer begged me to come back, cause I was fun and entertaining, but I told him noooooo way! And I definitely won't recommened his club. I said! Hey, what's a gay club without stripping guests?

So I went with Ken to our frathouse, splatting around in the ocean. Finally told him about my real mood. Bothering too much with my problems. Said good-bye after a while and headed over to the agency, met Clinton. He told me about land they found and there were a neighbor-parcel too. Took a short look with him and Corey, but I was too depressed. So I left without a word.
Don't know exactly what I did the next hours. - You know: I deleted now half of this entry. I don't want to be complaining all the time. I want to be the happy, funny, entertaining tiger I once was. Let me just say: Someone special told me once, he never would hurt me. And he's hurting me all the time. He knows exactly what he's doing. And I've been through all this once before, I don't wanna go through it again. And tiger isn't much better. Too sensitive and vulnerable at the moment.
Could just have puked in agony and pain all the time after he left without a word. So I strolled around. Wandering aimless. Set myself to "busy" as IMs started annoying me. Couldn't take that at that moment. I just wondered why I didn't just switch off. You know: RL-hell you can't just switch off, but when SL is becoming hell, you CAN switch it off. I don't know, why I didn't...
Finally I ended back at premier, dancing with Kyne for a while. Clinton, Corey and Nikita arrived. And after a while I had the guts to talk to Niki in IM. He tried to soothe me and I felt a little better. *sigh* So, Damos came too and we had some fun talking. After the others left and only Damos, Kyne and me stayed, a client arrived. He didn't waste much time, hired me immediately for half an hour. Cool! It was a little weird, but I have to admit, it was fun. And my mood was much better then. And I think I did a good job, cause he wants to hire me again.

I should have slept an hour earlier at that moment, so it was time and I went over to Hot and Hung to say good night to Kenneth. Instead he invited me to a photoshooting which lasted another 2 hours. But it was so cool!!! We ended up six naked hot guys posing for pictures and having fun. And I have 4 new friends on my friendslist now! Can't wait till I see the pictures!

So, what started as another messy night full of emotional chaos, ended kind of good. Still don't know where to go on from here. Only slept 2 hours today. Have much of RL-stuff to do. And tonight's a party I guess... Not sure, didn't listen exactly, cause my thoughts were with him - as they always are.

the weekend

My weekend was a mess. But once again I got surprised by people in SL I didn't expect to.

One of those were Ken. He was so nice yesterday, listened and talked to me, tried to soothe me, hold me and hugged me and (literary) wiped the tears from my eyes.

The other one was Kyne, the little kitten I only know for the last two weeks now. I don't have a better picture of him (yet), but he's soooo sweet! He hold me too, was so nice to me. I adopted him as my little brother. Of course with some incestous ulteriour motives though nothing sexual happened yet. *purr*
Too bad his connection is so slow and he's very laggy; he would make a fine dancer.

Dancer - Talking of it! - Nikita asked Spanks and me to be responsible for hiring new dancers. I'm not sure how that should work, but I feel pretty honored. Will keep my eyes open.

On saturday we danced at Lucifers remorse to promote living lights. I saw those on Dash (oh my, Dash, my ultimate sexy Gor slave-brother! I'm afraid I insulted him. Hope he's not too angry with me...) and they are really sexy. Well, had to buy mine myself, but I won together with Spanks and one other guy the price for sexiest outfit (hm.... not sure how that worked. I was too laggy to decide anything, but of course I voted for my love anyway!). So I got 1.500 Lindens and had the money back. Tiped the DJ and Damos (was thinking about tipping DT too, but he always emphasises how muuuuuuuch money he earns; so I decided it would be foolish to tip him, as myself is flat broke most of the time.), so as I left I was at the same money-level as before. But that's oki.

After that job my love said he would go over now to get his collar locked by Jaydin. *sigh* He didn't come back for over an hour. And I started to dispair. This all reminded me so much of former experiences. "Is he taken away from me now? Will he leave me now every time his master calls? Am I second-rate now?" - All these questions and fears. I knew how important it is for him. But I've gone through all this before. Sneaking in the beginning, but at the end ignored and dumped as soon as "the other one" comes on. Will all this start again? Will it be worse - as before it was "only" a slaveboy, in this case it is a master calling? --- So many questions. I was frightened and scared. So I couldn't sleep that night.
Soooo..... >/me taking a deep breath < Sunday was... such a mess! Overtired as I was, RL-work was hell. And SL was hell too. I was devastated. Didn't talk much to my prince in the beginning. Afraid of saying anything, afraid of expressing my feelings, my fears. And as I tried, he indeed reacted with a mixture of coldness and crudeness, if he said anything at all. Well, prolly I was too vulnerable and sensitive cause of the lack of sleep too. I lost my balance a few days ago and then I tend to extreme actions anyway. Overtireness doesn't make that better.
However... we ended up at Jaydins house, trying to work things out. I was optimistic for a while, I saw that it's just a caring family, not a master-slave-relationship at all. But then for the first time in all these days of arguing, something happened: I lost the "connection". - Hm, how should I explain that? No matter how cold and angry and mean and hurting he was in the last days with all that fighting, I always was aware of the connection between us, always felt his love behind that temperamental surface. But suddenly it was gone. I didn't feel his love anymore for a moment. Such a gruesome moment! The only thing I could do was running. Running away. Leaving.
Thank god he called me. - And... do you know the movie "Jerry Maguire"? When Tom Cruise comes at the end and starts to talk and then Renée Zellweger answers "You had me after 'hello'!"? It was just like that. One word of him and the connection was there again. Oh my, I could cry of happyness just thinking of it.
So, at the end we made it up. Well somewhere deep inside there's still a little fear. I admit that. I thought I closed the chapter with A., but it seems the experiences with him still influence my behaviour and my fears. I saw, that I'm not over those fears, when Spanks went back to Jaydin later to say good-night and didn't come back for half an hour. I can't do anything against those fears; I can only try to learn to get more self-assurance. Well, I still was overtired and as I suddenly saw A. on my radar - the first time for WEEKS - I panicked a little. Don't even know why; there's no reason to panick at all...

However. We made things up. And Spanks wants us to build a house together! Near Jaydin/Nikita and Clinton/Corey. Wow!!! I'm so happy. But - ah, you know tiger! always thinking, thinking, thinking - I started to think about the problems coming: no money, no time for the frathouse. what to do with my beach-house? what's with my little kitten? *sigh* Well, we will see. One after the other...

sleepless

oh my! After I only slept 3 hours last night, one should think tiger would sleep this night like a stone. But noooohooooo! Too many thoughts running around that pretty head. After three days of confusion tiger thought things will become good. But I dunno. Feeling so much fear now. Prince surprised me with telling me, that he's going to be collared. Well, he was looking for a new father-figure and I was happy for him, that he found one. But collared? That is so much different. He is owned now. I'm made second. Owner comes first. He - the one who agreed with me, that love has nothing to do with property - is now property of another man. A willingless, obeying slave. He says it isn't so. Maybe he's right. I know, I should just wait and see. But I've gone through all of this before. Been excluded before. Feel excluded again. Becoming more and more meaningless for another person. Am I ready, to go through all of this again? At the end standing there alone? Tiger is so scared. Tiger is frightened. Tiger is thinking too much. I know, I should just wait and see. Maybe there really can be a happy family like I had the vision once before? That would be fine. But then again tiger has visions of a willingless slave torn out of his loving arms called by a master. I dunno. Too many thoughts. And not enuff sleep.

Illusions

Once again the question if "love" at SL means anything? Of course RL is RL and SL is SL. But feelings are feelings. Once before was the victim of a love-ROLEPLAY. Now again? Dunno. Seems so. Tiger should get used to it. Tiger won't...

Lights will guide you home

changing moods. dunno how to handle it. one wrong word. causing sadness. causing rage. minutes of silence. like hours. gains weight second by second on my chest. leaves me breathless. helpless. scared. in my mind yelling TALK TO ME! but just holding you. carressing you. searching for glances behind closed eyes. left me. helpless. confused. sad. alone. excluded from your dreams.


Oh, this tiger is confused. A strange night. One moment full of harmony, love, lust, then next moment silence, rage, anger, coldness... I dunno. Always ask myself: What did I do wrong? And if it wasn't me, then what else? How can I take away those sorrows and pain off him? I want him to be happy. It's like I feel his pain inside myself. Deeper and heavier b'cause I don't know the roots of it. *sigh*


Well, weekend is here. And that means less time for my beloved. Damn RL issues. But SL is down anyway. Why are they not able to fix that problems? Instead of fixing it and making it run they UPGRADE it. Causing new problems. Grrrrr! Tiger wants to bite someone...

However, prince left me confused, concerned and scared last night. I was looking for distraction. Just arrived at Blubar when I got a call from Domineck to work in his Club. It was beach-theme, so I could put on my new sexy speedos. Oh my, it's so frustrating there! At PGC or other clubs I have problems to follow the open chat. But here? It's like talking to an empty room. No answers. At least I called Conner and we did some entertainment. I told him to apply as dancer there, so we could entertain together. The music is terrible most of the time. And then DJ wonders, why he got only 165 L$ tip (100 from Dom and 65 from me - hehe)? Well at least I got around 400 tip. More then I get at the other places where I don't have a tip-jar at all.

Went to HnH with Conner laters. Flirted and talked with other guys. That was so much more entertaining then the club. I think I made some new friends. Just wished the one or other would hire me! Well, not particularly that werewolf with a dick bigger then my leg...

Ok, RL calls. I have to go. Wished it was sunday evening already...

just saying hi

Didn't write for some days. Been so busy - spending time with my prince. Oh, we had such a good time! I just love to be with him. Although sometimes I'm afraid I'm becoming too much - sticked to his heels, looking over his shoulder all the time, watching his moves, his butt shaking, when he walks... *sigh*

I don't even remember what else I did the last days. hm... I only remember that tuesday was a weird day. Strange potential clients, then an arguement with an (ex-)co-worker where I didn't even know, what I did wrong. And nobody else could tell me too. Guy became weird and angry with tiger. And tiger only wanted to help. Tiger doesn't like fighty, tiger loves harmony! Lost my balance for a while. No good. >>/me shakes head << style="font-weight: bold;">everybody proved: They like tiger and don't accept someone's talking bad about him. I felt warm and safe somehow.
But strange - I'm a little sorry for that guy. I don't know, what his problem is or was. He's been ejected from the agency after insulting Clint too. And instead of being glad I'm just sorry for the little weirdo. Asking myself what his problem is. Asking myself how to help him being less upset. Don't want anybody to be unhappy. Dunno. I should just stop thinking about him. But can't. I had a strange feeling about him in the beginning, but on the other side I somehow liked him. Hm...

What else? Oh, Corey asked me to be one of his groomsmen. I feel so honored! Have no idea what a groomsman has to do apart from standing beside the groom. We considered a hip-humping on the way to the altar, but maybe that's not appropriate?

Oh my! I got a generous tip on tuesday. But as I told: It was the weird day. So, that tip was weird too. I gave part of it back. Foolish tiger I am. But he returned it to me. And I paid 10 % to the agency. Just felt better. Clinton said I don't have to, but they are working hard, so I wanted to show, that I appreciate their work. - However, rent for the next month is paid and some money was left for some clothes. Now I'm almost blank again. >>/me shakes head again<<

Started to furnish the living-room. But prims are running out. Gee! How can that be? Never enuff of it. I found a rezzer and thought, it would solve part of the prim-problem, but it only can rez copy-objects. That doesn't help much. Well, I could have rezzed the whole house with it, if I had known that before. But it's too late now.

Okay, have to do some RL-stuff now. Spent too much time in SL again. But it's so much nicer there. Forgetting RL-problems all the time. Would like to switch RL off or maybe reboot it to get rid of the damn lag!

boyfriend

HE'S BACK! - Oh, how much I missed my prince! He was away for some days because of RL-issues. And I only lived half that time. I don't even know exactly what I did all the time. Just hanging around at Premier and playing with a love-menu in the frathouse. Well at least I had a good talk with Clinton about my disappointment with the agency. He said Spanks, Dafydd and I are the best. Kewl! And he asked me to write down some suggestions. So I did some brainstorming with Dafydd and we made a really good notecard for Clinton. He was very fond of it. Maybe some things change now?

I've spent some time with Dafydd and he distracted me. On thursday evening someone - a pretty newbie - talked about "good taste of clothing" and Dafydd and I showed him good clothing. They were all pretty impressed. And the others saw us as family, as Clan. I felt so good for a moment. I just wished Spanks were there too and we could impress them all together. This moment it was what I wished for us: Act and perform as unity.
But it was only for a short moment. The next day Dafydd and me startet to argue which almost ended with me saying good-bye. He just can't stop complaining. Makes me sad. He's talking about "perceptions", but more and more these days he occurs like an embittered old man, accusing and complaining in every sentence. I tried to explain, that I'm not judging that. It's his expression of his suffering. But it makes me sad. Why can't he just say "I love you". Period. Why does he have to say "I love you although you disappointed me doing this and not doing that etc."? He says, he doesn't know how a father acts. Well, this is one thing, I think: A father just says "I love you, son". That's enuff. no "although....", no "but....". Just "I love you, son!"

Well, my prince was away for a few days. And yesterday he came back. I was so happy to see him again finally. We had an appointment for a new place where we should perform for Premier. So we had no time to celebrate our reunion. That party started as a mess. Very bad organization. Maybe Clinton was too busy? Dunno. I got mad. Spanks too. We almost both left the party and - at least in my case - Premier too. But it got a little better later though I was laggy as hell and sometimes unable to write or even turn the camera. It was pretty exhausting entertaining under this circumstances for 2 hours.
After it ended, I hadn't much time for my lover. We both had go to bed soon. But it felt so good, holding him and dancing with him on the roof of his castle and feeling his skin on my skin. It was as if I could feel him in RL physically. *sigh*
And yes! He asked me, if I would be his boyfriend, his lover. Oh, he made me so happy! I took him into my picks. And yes: I threw off Andrej. Finally. Chapter closed. I'm not angry at Andrej. I'm just finally over him. And that's good. Thought I would never feel something like with him again, but now I feel deeper in love and more connected to Spanks then I've ever been to A. Who would have ever thought that?

Ok, RL calls again. Can't cancell it. So, more the next days...