Monday, June 9, 2008

the weekend

My weekend was a mess. But once again I got surprised by people in SL I didn't expect to.

One of those were Ken. He was so nice yesterday, listened and talked to me, tried to soothe me, hold me and hugged me and (literary) wiped the tears from my eyes.

The other one was Kyne, the little kitten I only know for the last two weeks now. I don't have a better picture of him (yet), but he's soooo sweet! He hold me too, was so nice to me. I adopted him as my little brother. Of course with some incestous ulteriour motives though nothing sexual happened yet. *purr*
Too bad his connection is so slow and he's very laggy; he would make a fine dancer.

Dancer - Talking of it! - Nikita asked Spanks and me to be responsible for hiring new dancers. I'm not sure how that should work, but I feel pretty honored. Will keep my eyes open.

On saturday we danced at Lucifers remorse to promote living lights. I saw those on Dash (oh my, Dash, my ultimate sexy Gor slave-brother! I'm afraid I insulted him. Hope he's not too angry with me...) and they are really sexy. Well, had to buy mine myself, but I won together with Spanks and one other guy the price for sexiest outfit (hm.... not sure how that worked. I was too laggy to decide anything, but of course I voted for my love anyway!). So I got 1.500 Lindens and had the money back. Tiped the DJ and Damos (was thinking about tipping DT too, but he always emphasises how muuuuuuuch money he earns; so I decided it would be foolish to tip him, as myself is flat broke most of the time.), so as I left I was at the same money-level as before. But that's oki.

After that job my love said he would go over now to get his collar locked by Jaydin. *sigh* He didn't come back for over an hour. And I started to dispair. This all reminded me so much of former experiences. "Is he taken away from me now? Will he leave me now every time his master calls? Am I second-rate now?" - All these questions and fears. I knew how important it is for him. But I've gone through all this before. Sneaking in the beginning, but at the end ignored and dumped as soon as "the other one" comes on. Will all this start again? Will it be worse - as before it was "only" a slaveboy, in this case it is a master calling? --- So many questions. I was frightened and scared. So I couldn't sleep that night.
Soooo..... >/me taking a deep breath < Sunday was... such a mess! Overtired as I was, RL-work was hell. And SL was hell too. I was devastated. Didn't talk much to my prince in the beginning. Afraid of saying anything, afraid of expressing my feelings, my fears. And as I tried, he indeed reacted with a mixture of coldness and crudeness, if he said anything at all. Well, prolly I was too vulnerable and sensitive cause of the lack of sleep too. I lost my balance a few days ago and then I tend to extreme actions anyway. Overtireness doesn't make that better.
However... we ended up at Jaydins house, trying to work things out. I was optimistic for a while, I saw that it's just a caring family, not a master-slave-relationship at all. But then for the first time in all these days of arguing, something happened: I lost the "connection". - Hm, how should I explain that? No matter how cold and angry and mean and hurting he was in the last days with all that fighting, I always was aware of the connection between us, always felt his love behind that temperamental surface. But suddenly it was gone. I didn't feel his love anymore for a moment. Such a gruesome moment! The only thing I could do was running. Running away. Leaving.
Thank god he called me. - And... do you know the movie "Jerry Maguire"? When Tom Cruise comes at the end and starts to talk and then Renée Zellweger answers "You had me after 'hello'!"? It was just like that. One word of him and the connection was there again. Oh my, I could cry of happyness just thinking of it.
So, at the end we made it up. Well somewhere deep inside there's still a little fear. I admit that. I thought I closed the chapter with A., but it seems the experiences with him still influence my behaviour and my fears. I saw, that I'm not over those fears, when Spanks went back to Jaydin later to say good-night and didn't come back for half an hour. I can't do anything against those fears; I can only try to learn to get more self-assurance. Well, I still was overtired and as I suddenly saw A. on my radar - the first time for WEEKS - I panicked a little. Don't even know why; there's no reason to panick at all...

However. We made things up. And Spanks wants us to build a house together! Near Jaydin/Nikita and Clinton/Corey. Wow!!! I'm so happy. But - ah, you know tiger! always thinking, thinking, thinking - I started to think about the problems coming: no money, no time for the frathouse. what to do with my beach-house? what's with my little kitten? *sigh* Well, we will see. One after the other...


Jordyn Carnell said...

OH MY! Tigers life is much more complicated then mine! (is it the stripes?)

Franziskus said...

Hm, must be! Dunno... Tiger just too temperamental and wild and weird?