another long night

Last night I got my boardcard from Kyoka. This is so much more myself then the picture before! I just love it!

It was a very emotional night yesterday. Spent time with my love and that newbie at the escort. Then with my love alone. - As Spanki arrived I almost introduced him as my boyfriend. But I bit my tongue. Never talked about that, never made something "official". So, is he my boyfriend, my lover, my man? I so feel connected to him. I never would have dared to dream that a few weeks ago. We made each other owners of our collars. And we walked around chained together. That was so symbolic! *sigh*At least to me... So, is he my boyfriend? But: Does it matter, how it is called? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet... But to be honest: It sounds good to me; I'd love to call him that... my boyfriend, my lover, my man... without any tenure, without any obligations for him, just to show everybody: I'm all his, giving him all of myself, demanding nothing of him at the same time, but appreciating everything he gives me freely as a precious gift.
Sometimes or maybe often I have the impression, I see too much in it. Propably because I was so betrayed by Andrej before, that I can't believe, anyone loves me back with the full passion and power in which I love him? And then I'm surprised when he offers me one of those precious gifts - a word of love, a gesture, a spontanous hug - anything like that... and my heart starts beating techno and I could scream just of happiness... *sigh*

So, we had a wonderful night. Happiness only a little overshadowed by the continuing arguing - or better say silence? - between father and son. It makes me sad to see both suffering. The one full of rage which eats him up. Not (only) against his father, but against himself, projecting it on others, even on me for moments, and then hating himself even more... And the other always complaining and trying to hide his disappointment in kind of arrogant sulky accusing. - I just feel, that it could be a happy family, but I don't know what to do. I feel so helpless between them.



Well, that's it for today. Apart from that I started to work on a menu again. But it's not easy to do it all alone without anyone to help for adjustments. But I really want to progress with the frathouse now...

Shikigami

I've been asked sometimes about Byakko and Shikigami. My Love posted something about Byakko today. I was so happy as I saw that. It shows me, how interested he is in me. *sigh* Love him so much...

It's not long ago since I recognized I can transform into a white tiger. And I never knew anything about Byakko and Shikigami before. Growing up in Germany... who would expect to be a member of the powerful Byakko-Clan? Well, I'm only a half-blooded Shikigami. Mother human. But there are coming some magic powers with it, what's really nice.

So, let me tell you how much I know myself about Shikigami: Shikigami are something like a demon. Well, friendly demon sometimes. Similar to the western familiar of witches and warlocks. They build a contract with an Onmyôdô, a kind of wizzard. There are 24 families of Shikigami, each represented by 3 Clan-members. The families itself represent a solar term as well as a season. Our family - the Clan of Byakko (White Tiger) - stands for autumnal equinox. Maybe that's the reason why I'm always hungry for harmony?
A shikigami can take human form (I don't have a problem with that anyway) as well as they can transform into a Daikôjin. That's an extremly powerful giant form, very destructive. I haven't learned to transform into a Daikôjin yet. If I ever will?
One of the 3 active Shikigami of our Clan is Byakko no Kogenta, my cousin. Pretty nice guy, though he's sometimes described as "typically cocky, arrogant, and quick to anger". Don't know about any family likeness...

I think, that's how much I know about it... any questions?

Happy

I'm so happy! Last night was a good night. After all those parties at the weekend there was another one last night. But this time it was really good. Less annoying gestures, more really good and funny chat. And we changed the theme from "summer at the beach" to "15 naked boys with hats doing line-dance". It was hawwwwwt! /me growlz

But the best thing was: Spanks told me, he's falling in love with me. I mean: Really deep... like... yeah... boyfriends... lovers. He never wanted it. I tried to avoid it too. But we couldn't help it. And it feels good. And right. - Am I afraid of getting my heart broken again? Dunno. But hey! better enjoying the feeling now and suffering later then never be able to feel it at all! He makes me really happy!

And last night he told me too, that he wanted to talk to his father. He wants his father back. He wants a family. *sigh* Made me happy again, to hear that. Too bad, Dafydd wasn't there last night.
And here's the bad news: Met D. today for a few minutes. He was assaulted in RL. I was shocked and didn't know what to say. And he had no time to tell me everything. I just know, that he wanted to go to a RL-party... and I was so glad, that he has some nice RL-activities too. But now? Damn RL!!! I hope to meet him soon, so he can tell me everything.

So, after I brought my prince to bed last night, I played with Byakko for a while. Brought him to premier too. Showed him to Conner. Later there came a new escort and asked for advice. Well, he was nice, but lets be honest: Why the hell do they HIRE everyone who comes to the house as new escort? There won't be any clients if everybody thinks he's qualified as escort. Many of them are NOT! -- Well, this guy... I told him how to get rid of typing, how to use an AO, how to change his boardcard etc. - but most important: Told him how to emote! I have to say: He wasn't bad. Seems to be a natural talent like me.
Maybe I should try to talk to Corey and Clinton about it? I think, it's not good to engage too many escorts. There's only a restricted amount of clients, so more escorts (and especially bad ones) don't mean automatically more income. And maybe we should sit together and talk about strategies etc. And especially about emoting. Some DO have to learn a lot...

OK, RL calls. Damnit! More tomorrow...

Byakko

I got a pet! Well, a really BIG pet! It's a gift from my sweet prince. - Yesterday he said, he wanted to buy me a kitty but I should take a look first. Well... the kittehs were cute, but I was so fond of a panther and/or a tiger. So he bought me a white tiger. As I saw the price I couldn't help to shout out loud: "Are you crazy?!?" - *sigh* - Yeah, it was pretty expensive. And he shouldn't make me such expensive gifts. But.... I'm so happy with Byakko!

Yes, Byakko - that's how I called him. Means "white tiger", like my Clan's name. I played with him for hours. Brought him to the neighbor-parcel too. Showed him Premier Escorts too. Everybody was so fond of him. I'm so proud of my new pet!

THANK YOU FOR THE WONDERFUL GIFT, MY LOVE!!!

But don't ask how long it took me, to make him holding still for this snapshot!

Oh, I forgot to mention: At the pet-shop I rode on a donkey. Looked so funny. And that beast was crazy! I had the impression it smiled too as I took the snapshot, but you don't see it on the photo...

weekend

whoa! didn't write for some days. Too busy with parties. - Premier makes us visit lots of parties. Well, I like dancing and meeting people, but I'm getting bored. There are almost only escorts there, no clients at all. And the overuse of gestures is so annoying. I'm a little disappointed of premier. They let everybody in, no matter how good (or bad) he is in emoting and turning other guys on. Damn! I think I'm really good at it. Everybody who's in bed (or somewhere else..) with me tells me, that he didn't knew, SL-sex could be that phantastic at all. But as I'm wasting my times on parties, I'm not able to hunt for clients. And as some clients make bad experiences with other escorts, they won't hire another one - a better one! - anymore. So frustrating! It started really good, but now? Oooomph! At least I hope, Kyo gets my new pictures ready soon, so that I can add it to my profile.

Nothing much happened apart from one party after the other. I spend some time with my lovely sister Nia again. She wasn't on for a while; busy in RL. But now we spend some time together again, and that's good.

Coming closer to my prince charming from day to day. I'm a little scared falling in love too much. But can't help it. Last night we fell asleep together and it was wonderful. Holding him in my arms, keeping him warm and save, inhaling his sweet scent, our breath falling in the same rhythm, becoming one... *sigh*

I just wished, he would be a little nicer to his father; but I decided to fight the urge to interfere and I'll give them time, in the hope there will be harmony again one day. Especially after Dafydd made me a big gift these days: He took me in as a member of the family, side by side to Spanki. Though I never can turn vampire - my shikigami-blood is too strong and prevents it -, I already feel as part of the Trevellion Clan. I feel so honored and pleased!

Okay, that's it so far. I decided to wait with my decision about the fraternity. Will keep on working on it as far as parties and friends will leave me some time for it...

long night

What a long night it was! And so full of emotions... The first time I've spent a whole evening with S. *sigh* He bought a little parcel, built his castle there. And he showed me the place. And then I stuck, that means I couldn't tp away from there. But let's be honest: There are worse things happening! I was happy to spend hours and hours with him. We talked a lot and hugged and danced. *sigh again* Laters we invited Dashy, my favorite Gor-slaves of all those sexy Gor-slaves, over to the house. Let him do some naughty things. I think, he liked it. *giggle*

As S. had to go to bed (oh, way too late! I should take care, that he gets more sleep, even if it means to me, that I'll see him less) I met my little kitten Douggie again. Talked to him for a while, wanted to show him the escort club, but then he crashed again and never came back. Always the same. I'm standing there and waiting for him, but he never comes back. Hm...

Okay, 't was a good night till that moment. But then I met mylord. And he was angry and disappointed. I understand it. But I don't want to be in the middle of it. Sure, maybe it's my own fault. I started to interfere. Because I wanted to keep father and son together in love and friendship. And maybe to be kind of part of that family. But instead of harmony there's only disappointment and anger on both sides. And little kitteh torn in the middle. Doesn't want to disappoint one of them. Doesn't want to hurt one of them. But it seems I can't be "on both sides" at the same time.
I understand mylords disappointment. I understand his feelings. But I understand as well, that the son has the feeling of being under control the whole time and that he wants his freedom to do and to meet and to have sex whatever and with whoever he wants.
So, D. and I argued... and he hurt me so much with his words - and he didn't even recognize it! -, that I was just desperate. So desperate, that I ran out of the club and jumped off the platform. I know it's bullshit! Why commit suicide? I'm not the suicidal type at all. And of course you can't commit suicide in SL at all, even if you smash from 750 meters down to the ground! I just crashed and had to relog.
Well, we talked then and it was good. He started to build his castle again on my other parcel and then I helped him plaining his own parcel which is for sale. I felt okay again. Just hope, that things between father and son will work out soon.

So... I wanted to go to bed soon. But then I met the second sexiest Gor-slave of all the sexy Gor-slaves... He was horny and we were right about to find a place for us, as his master called him back. *grrrrr* But the same time JJ logged in. Didn't see him for a long time. Hm, it's still strange to see him as dragon... Last week, we danced together in the night-sky. I had changed into full Byakko and we looked fabulous together. Tiger and Dragon! Here's a picture... but you almost can't see him with the night-sky behind him:

However, I thought, he had done the Andrej to me, but he said, he's just busy in RL, cause he has a new job. And I'm torn another time... cause I don't want to hurt him, but I don't know, how much of a boyfriend he still is to me. I don't feel it. Don't feel I belong to him. And he's not much interested in me and my feelings at all. He prooved it again. Didn't even ask how my week was. Well, we'll see where it goes from here. At least we had some fun teaching him rl/sl-sex-crossover. *hehe*

So, it would have been time to go to bed afterwards. But I talked to Kyo for a while. He's looking for a place for a store and a small house for himself, but he doesn't have any money. I was thinking of bringing him together with Dafydd, as he mentioned a while ago the idea of owning a photo-studio. As Kyo is very gothic they would fit as kind of co-operation. And it would be good for D. to have a project he could work on. I'll ask him later, what he thinks about it.

Well, that's it so far. - Oh, our kitsune Kale is leaving. He is adopted by a family. He was concerned, that he couldn't come back, if the adoption doesn't work out, but I assured him, there will always be a place for him in our garden.. But I took a look at his profile this night and wondered a little about Andrej in his picks. Well, it's not of my concerne anymore. Just a little disappointing...

Yeah, that's it for today. Would have a lot of RL-stuff to do, but no energy. Had to do a lot of SL-stuff too, but no energy there either. *sigh*

Torn

I think, I'm loosing my balance again. Wondered that I was calm the last two or three weeks most of the time, though my life still was and is too busy and too emotional and too messy. Seems I can't be there for everybody. Why do I have the feeling, that I have to answer everybodies expectations? And why do I feel so bad when I can't do it, cause my day only has 24 hours and I only can be at one place at time?
Got the feeling Rammy is disappointed at me. Well, maybe he's right? I didn't care much for him in the last weeks. But let's be honest: How much did he care for me? So, I shouldn't feel bad in neglecting him. He went his own way, left me long before I left him. It's ok. We are still brothers. And there will come a time, when we are together again.
And my sweet kitten Douggie. Okay, he didn't complain. But I have a bad concious neglecting him too. On the other side: I talked to him in IM, invited him to dances or just to join me, but he often doesn't even answer or just disappears. That's okay. But again: Why do I have a bad concious then?
Well, I could go on with that list. Neglected so many friends in the last weeks. Spent most of my time with Dafydd.
And now? Now he's complaining, that he doesn't get enough attention! That's so unfair!!! I've spent almost the whole weekend with him. Yesterday I finally had some minutes with S. It's like taking a vacation with him. Leaving this world. A big protecting bubble. Like my magic shield. I calm down, get energy, feel good and save and warm. - But now I have the impression, someone tries to give me a bad concious for that little piece of luck too. And that's so not fair!

I really don't know, where things go from here. The jobs (oh, I have another job as dancer; but it's boring there... only other dancers, no guests... and nobody TALKS!), friendships, clients, the fraternity... It's too much for me! I was thinking of giving up the frathouse, especially as Rammy isn't much help with it. Never was. But I would like to keep the parcel. Maybe build my own house there. A bigger one. A nice garden. Don't know... I thought, I'm just exhausted and need a break, but for the last 5 weeks I haven't done anything. *sigh*

My so called boyfriend didn't show for a whole week. That means: I didn't SEE him online, but he was. I think he's hiding from me too. Like Andrej. Strange. Dashiel calls it "to do an Andrej on someone". *hehe* I wonder, what I did to him? Well, I think, it's just over. He's going his way and it's good like it is.

So, let's just wait how things are going on. Should take care of my RL though. Still haven't found the X to switch it off or at least re-log into it.

What a boring weekend

Didn't happen much this weekend. I strolled around looking for clients. No success. I need to pay rent, so it would be time to find someone! - Well, not that I didn't have sex, but I'm just too foolish (or horny) to charge everytime. Damn!

Ha! Today I met Py coincidently. That guy is dumb as cauliflower, his body not even XCited, he's ugly and he has no idea, what emoting means. - But he wants to tell me, he's soooooo exhausted from the masses of clients he got as escort this week again. Dumbass! Either he's a liar (what I suppose) or he knows a place with lots of even dumber newbs, which have no idea what good SL-sex means!

Well, even if the weekend was boring most of the time and I waisted lots of time - though it was a kind of success, cause: Everything worked out pretty well in the Vampiri-family! I'm so glad, D. and S. are good with each other. Spent a lot of time with both - well, especially with mylord, cause Spanks had to go to bed early every day. (/me pouts at this point)
They got rid of their parcels and wanna buy a whole Sim. Mylord offered me a place there and said I'm practically family. That made me so happy!!! Sounded really good...
Too bad mylord isn't in a good mood after this weekend. I think the trouble with their neighbor and the disappointment at PE brought him down. Well, I have to say: I'm not fond of PE either yet. It did sound good and it started good, but it's more and more escorts and no clients in sight. *sigh* And the pictures... oh my! I hope to catch Kyo soon for another photosession. I don't even LOOK like me on those pics. How would anyone hire me, when he only knows me from those pictures?

Hm, what else? I have to spend more time at the frathouse. Things stand still. I'm too busy with other things. Should start furnishing soon...

another weird night

Oh my! It should have been a night full of fun and pleasure. But it ended as a mess!

Well, day started good. Met a Gor-slave. I don't know why I'm so fond of Gor-slaves!? They are all toooooo sexy! We spent 2 hours together. He seemed to be very surprised how good SL-sex can be! Of course I didn't charge him. But I really should find new clients soon. Running out of money, rent to pay...

The rest of the night was a mess. I think I screwed things up. Didn't want to. Never wanted to hurt anybody. But I knew: If I come nearer to S., hearts will be broken. Oh, shit! I never wanted to cry anymore, but last night I did. Father hurt, son hurt and confused. And I'm the dirty little tiger in the middle. With tears running I offered D. to leave them both. I don't want to cause any trouble. My biggest fear came true: I screwed it up and will be banned. Well, mylord said 'no!', I shouldn't leave. But as I sneaked into the garden today a new wolf attacked me and pushed me out. Why can't I be just part of a loving family? Seems to be impossible. *sigh* I'm very sad. I hope the two speak to each other again. Well, of course I hope, S. talks to me again too, but the relationship father and son is more important to them. So, if needed - and I'm so afraid it is - I'll step back.

Had a little distraction then for two hours at the cellar-club at PGC. Was fun and I forgot my troubles and pain for a while.

My ex-husband-now-boyfriend didn't see me since wednesday. He's busy with a new project: He wants to make a magazine. Hm... I'm not sure, if it is such a good idea. Lots of work and not much income. He doesn't talk to me often. I get more and more the feeling, he just uses me. But I refuse to get used again. I don't think things work out for the two of us. We are way too different...

Here's the song fitting to my mood:

yaaaawwwwnnnnnnn

Geeze! Tiger is tired. Tiger doesn't get enuff sleep. Tiger too busy.

My photoshooting on tuesday went pretty well. That Baily is a nice guy. I'm curious about the pictures. Well, yes... a little concerned too. Not sure if they will show all the beauty of the tiger. *hehe* And we made way too much fratboy pictures. Okay, we will see. If I don't like them, I'll make an appointment with Kyoka. Talked to him for while yesterday. Nice guy, sweet and shy. But I like his photos. And he's an artist in drawing and painting too! I have to introduce him to Kale.

After the shooting everything went weird. Somehow I seem to attract weird people. Some seem to fall in love with me, only because I like them. That's odd. So, I first had a strange arguing with a client, earned 1000 lindens though, but didn't want them. Paid back, he paid again. I kept it. Pay some rent...
Then I had an arguement with Jayson. He wanted to borrow money. - Well, that wouldn't be such a big problem (if I had money at all!), but I'm still suspicious. He didn't convince me that he changed, and I'm still not sure about the dirty little games that Ceth is playing. The question to lend him money - especially after he had spent millions of lindens for furnishing his home (what tiger could never afford in his life!) - made me take a step back. I don't know, if this relationship really has a chance. Well, I didn't want to argue, so I gave him time to calm down and left.

Ok, let me think! What else happened? - I installed a gang-bang menu in the hot-tub. Called some friends and frats to adjust it. It was a lot of fun. Seven naked guys in a tub... *whew* But it seems we have too many bottoms here. They almost fought about who can play the slutty pledge that's banged by the others. Yeah, this menu was a really good idea!
A bad idea was it to invite Spanki. He landed in the pool with us. And he was really confused. Poor boy! If you see him, you wouldn't think he's so shy. Oh god! I realized I made a big, big mistake. Had the feeling, I killed something between us... well, something... let's call it romantic. I really felt bad and didn't have any more fun in the tub then.
But I called Mylord then. He landed in the pool too. Was a little amused about the naked boys having fun. I gave him a tour and he said he liked the house. Think he just wanted to be polite. His castle is so much better.
And I felt a bad concious because of Douggie. My little kitten was so quiet. Even more quiet as usual. I thought he may feel neglected. Oh, I so wished I had more time. Sometimes I should be at 10 different places at the same time. And then there are hours I feel lonely like hell!

Well, as the tub-party was over, I went to the Trevellion castles. Saying good-night to Spanki. He's building a garden at his castle. Dafydd baught him a swinging tyre. Oh, how tiger loves to swing!!! Could hang around there the whole day. I almost bought one for the frathouse too a while ago, but I don't want it to become a neko-house instead of a frathouse.
Then I rushed over to the premier house. Such a laggy place! Mylord had his photoshooting coming and I wanted to watch. It was over an hour to wait, so I tried out my new dances at the dancefloor. - Yeah, I bought four new dances. I shouldn't waiste my money, but I just love to dance. And I found out, that I can install different dancing notecards in my Huddles, which makes it much easier. Cool! Well, I entertained a single guest as Dafydd joined us. We had much fun. And as the photoshooting started, we had even more of it.
Oh, how much we laughed at the shooting. And Dafydd... OH MY GOD! He looked awesome in his different outfits! He has such a good and exquisite taste! I'm very curious how pictures will look.

After the shooting some talking with Kyoka and Conner, a co-worker. As I heard of a party at the Blubar, I headed over. But that place was so crowded and laggy; it was no fun at all. So I went to Hot 'n Hung. I knew, I should have gone to bed. But I wanted to see, if I can find a client. Yes, I flirted, but not for money. However, I learned to know a guy. And voila! I have another job as dancer. Cool!
Okay, went back to premier then. Somehow I was so eager to find a client! Well, sure I found someone who wanted to fuck me, but I said "Sorry, I'm on duty" he didn't get the hint. *hehe*

However, it was another busy day/night. I don't know how to do all that work, but it was fun most of the time. And that's what I'm here for...

nothing new

Did I show you my tiger-silks? Here it is. It wasn't cheap and it still needs some adjustment, but I love it. Cause others can rip off every single piece of it from my body! I have to take a look at the script one day... maybe I can use it for other silks too?

Well, happened much yesterday. Talked a lot to mylord and spanki. Met a client (off duty) and start-becoming-friend (told yer! I'm too emotional for that job!) at the beach. Did some nude dancing. Had fun. - So, the usual. hehe

I made a flickr- and a myspace-account too. Want to post some pics. Can't decide on which of both!?

Tonight I have an appointment with the photographer. First it should have been the one, now one of the premier-managers sent me to another. I'm very curious and a little nervous....

Nothing else new. Still too busy and not enough time.

A Girl called Harmony

I like the title. It's a song played by "Attrition". Heard it this weekend on the media-stream of our parcel. And it fits to the saturday. Saturday was a good day, full of harmony. If you want to hear the song, watch this video of a Russian filmmaker:

You can download the song as mp3 for free on the homepage of "Attrition".

But now let me tell about the loooong weekend.

Saturday I sneaked in before RL-work. Met Jayson and he told me, he met a guy he knew before. There's a chance that he and him can come together in RL, but he said he don't wanna loose me as his boyfriend. *sigh* I tried to give him free and told him, he should try it. There will never be a chance for us in RL, and he deserves to become happy in RL too. He asked, if it doesn't work out, if he could come back to me then. But I couldn't promise that. He was so desperately afraid loosing me, that I agreed at the end that I'd stay his boyfriend, to encourage him to meet that other guy in RL, and if it does work out, I'll give him free.
Well, saturday evening he told me that other guy already lost interest. *sigh* again...

Then there was another party at the Vampiri club or garden... well, I should say "there was planned another party", cause nobody showed up. Neither the dancers, nor the DJ, nor guests. Myself neither, but I had to work ((RL)); Mylord knew about it. I felt very sorry for mylord. That's just frustrating. He had done such a good work with the club. I hope sooner or later people will appreceate the club. I'm so eager to entertain and dance for the guests! And then he told me, that he gives up the escort-agency. He didn't want to get his son Spanki in more trouble.
Well, Spanki invited us both over to the club of Premier Escorts. Nice dancing, me playing with a hot neko.... purrrrrrrr - However, to make things short: I'm now an escort at Premier too! And a few minutes later I had my first client. Another one already asked for an appointment. Cool! I love that job already! I was a little nervous, didn't know exactly, what client expected of me, but he said, it was purrfect, so it seems I wasn't too bad.
Altogether it was a really good day. And I was so happy that Mylord and his son are nice to each other again!

Sunday was not as good. I wanted to clean my closet. And to take pictures for my calling card as escort. And to write my notecard. And... and... and... - But I have to admit: I'm a little exhausted and tired. So many things on my mind. So much to do. And I have no idea, where I should start.
So I just went to a neko-party "Leather and lace", but there weren't much gay nekos there. Well, at least I won the contest... well, one of 4 winners. I gave the 200 Lindens to the dancing girls though they didn't convince me. I'm paying attention a lot to the work of dancers these days, but I have to say: Most of them are bad and don't deserve any tips! A good dancer has to entertain the guests, try to integrate them, make them feel recognized and comfy, so that they want to stay and enjoy the party. Most of the dancers only use some annoying party-woooooohhhhooooo-gestures and don't really care for the guests anyway.

After that party I was just tired. Talked to my kitten, but Douggie is a little angry with me, cause I let Jayson back into my life. I begged him to give Jayson a second chance (and he really tries hard!). Well, my little one was distracted from IMs, so it wasn't much fun to talk to him at all. And a big lag in SL didn't help either to cheer up my mood. At the end nothing worked. So I decided to go to bed soon. I really should get a little more sleep! It was the first night for more then 2 weeks I slept 7 hours. Each other night I only slept 4 1/2 - 5 hours. Tiger needs a few more cat naps, I think!

Shoot me!

My life just seemed to calm down. Ready for a restart. Felt good.

I chatted and flirted with the Dark Prince a little. Very nice. Had to keep myself back not to get too horny. But I enjoyed it. And right the moment I thought: "Hey, tiger is back!" it made *blink* and an IM came. From him. Jayson. He loves me and he wants me back. He said. Would you insert your earplugs for a moment? Because now I have to say....

AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHH!!!!

Thank you. You can remove the earplugs now.

I don't know, what to do. He says, it was ME he was waiting for all the time, not Marq. Believe him? Believe him not? Love him? Hate him? I can't hate. Not him. Not anybody, I guess. Everybody will say: "No!!! Don't let him into your life again!". And they are right. I know it. But I can't help. I just can't say 'no'. And that's why I'm not sure. Do I really love him? Or do I just not wanna hurt him? I think, if any stranger would come and say: "Hey, I'm so lonely. Would you like to be my partner?" I would say "Okay!", just because I can't say no. So, is it really fair to take him back? Fair to him? (Fair to myself not at all) I know, he will ruin me again. I know, my heart gets some more scars. But I can't do anything.
The other night, when I talked to Mylord, I told him: It's a special kind of masochism we are living. We are always there for others. We love them without obligations. When we get hurt, we feel sorry, that we have bad feelings and we apologize when others should apologize to us. Andrej once said to me I would try to manipulate his feelings with my hypocritical behaviour. But that's not true. It's really me. I can't help it. Wish I could. Can't. We need that. We need the feeling to be there for others. To be needed by others. Even if we feel like trashcans sometimes. They will leave when they feel good. They come back when they feel bad. And we are waiting. Patiently. But with a deep pain inside. We are slaves. Addicted to that feeling of being needed.
/me taking a deep breath. Geeze! I don't know what to do. Why isn't there anybody who tells me what to do? I so wished that Mylord was on last night. He would have known what to do. But I've sent him to bed, cause he didn't get enough sleep. *hehe*

However! I didn't know what to do. Jayson gave me time to think about it. And Prince invited me to a dance at a club to get some distraction. I invited Dashiel to join us. He came in his Gor silks. Gosh! I'm getting so horny seeing him in his silks. He's just tooooooo sexy! He told me about his life in Gor. Sounds so complicated. And dangerous too. But exciting. I'm a little envious. He seems so happy as Gor Kajiru. Why do I have so many other obligations? Maybe one day, when I got really enough of all the mess, I'll leave everything behind me and go to Gor too. See, if I'll find a master who takes me? So appealing. And Dashiel seems to be so happy. I'm happy for him. He's a good boy. - Well, he came in his Gor-silks and to make him feel less.... uhm.... "outsiderish".... I put on silks too (jaja, I admit: I love them, so it wasn't such a big sacrifice!) and did wear it for the rest of the night.


At the club the owner of another escort-service asked, if I would work for him. I felt so honored! But no. I'm loyal to Mylord. Even if there won't be much customers in the beginning. I'll stay with him. If nothing happens in the next 4 or 5 weeks I still can see if I can find another working place.

Well, after Dashiel had to go to bed, Jayson came back. And we talked the next few hours. I told him, I'm ready to give him another chance. Not as my official boyfriend. I don't want to rush into things again. We can meet. We can spend some time together. But I will go my way. And then see, how he reacts. If he can handle it.

He had to leave then. And I had to calm down Kale who was devastated cause his new love Sam didn't show up. I tried to calm him down. Geeze! How many nights did I wait for Andrej? How many times have I been ignored by him? And that little foxy ist devasted after 12 hours??? Poor boy. Will have to suffer a lot more, I think.

The last hour I took some pictures at the castle for my escort-notecard. But they are not too good. I think I need a pro to get some good pictures for me. Well, I like this one:

Yeah, and that was my thursday. Have to work RL a lot the next days. Don't know what comes. So: Wish me luck!!

a good day

Yesterday was a good day! - I've spent a lot of time talking. First with Alex, a German straight sub. We met at Rosey Cheeks campfire. He's so nice!

Later Rammy came on. We spent some time trying to install love-menus in the hot tub, as suddenly - big surprise! - Kale came. Haven't seen that little fox for weeks!!! So cool!
We danced a little in the night, wearing sparkling sticks and danced in the night-sky. Looked pretty good. Of course later he had to meet his other friends. And Rammy had to go off. I was looking for the photo-studio at Hot 'n Hung to make some nice/sexy pictures of me for my notecard as escort. Then I IM'd Mylord Trevellion, the owner of the Vampire Club. And we started to chat and chat and chat... Oh, it was a long night. We talked about five or six hours. And it was so good! He's so kind and nice... a related soul. And I'm so scared! Scared to make a mistake that would make him banish me. You know, how stupid this tiger can be!

Oh, and I found the blog of his son, Spanki, that hot dark prince I had a crush on him the first moment I saw him. But I'm pretty sure, he would break tigers heart, if he let him come too close, so tiger better let's his naughty paws off him. Not that prince would be interested in tiger at all; and that's okay like it is.

Well, that's it, I think. Talked to Marq for a moment. Told him, that I love him and Jayson, even if they hate me. I can't change it. I wish I could be angry or something for treating me like shit, but I can't. - Marq said, he loves me too, but it's better not to talk to me. I told him, he needn't talk to me, but he should talk to Jayson. Jayson loves him. They shouldn't waiste their time being stubborn. But I think their master Ceth has his dirty little fingers in it and plays his dirty power-games. Poor boys!

With all that private stuff, progress in the frathouse is going slow. Not enough time and not enough energy. Hope to go on in the next days. And I'm very curious how my work as escort will be. I hope, I'm good at it!

We did it II

Well, this was propably the shortest marriage in the history of SecondLife?

At least this tiger was happy for about 24 hours. But after the marriage hubbie really acted strange. Always arguing and fighting. No matter what I said, he reacted weird. This was so what I did NOT want anymore.

However, we fought and we had sex. I loved him - at least I thought so -, so I tried to take it, even if he insulted me and my friends and was jealous all the time.

Today he brought me to a strange combat-SIM. After I waisted my time there for about 2 hours, he told me - in a sideline - that he found a RL-boyfriend last night. Fine! I'm happy for him. But as his SL-husband I supposed, he would tell me exciting stuff like that IMMEDIATELY! We could have celebrated it. Well he didn't tell me. He didn't share. Same thing as with Andrej. I knew I had to go.
So I gave him his ring back. He didn't even try to hold me back. In a few seconds he already had ended the partnership. He really didn't waiste time. Sometimes I think it was just a dirty little game he and Ceth played with me.

I could just bite my cute little tiger-tail for paying 2000 lindens for the planned wedding-party and another 2000 for gifts. But that's the prize I pay for being such a romantic fool! Well, life goes on. And if I ever fall in love again, someone shoot me please!

We did it

Friday night:

[20:41] Jayson Dallagio gave you Vampire Ring with Bats.
[20:41] : Jayson Dallagio says: i just gave you my ring...
[20:41] : Franziskus Ninetails says: your ring, Sir?
[20:42] : Jayson Dallagio says: means i wanna marry you and when you are redy put it on....
[20:42] Franziskus Ninetails blushes and beams
[20:42] : Jayson Dallagio says: when you put it on il know your ready
[20:43] You: too exited!!!
[20:44] You: GRROWWLLLZZ
[20:44] Jayson Dallagio: why so excited?
[20:44] : Franziskus Ninetails says: I LOVE YOU!!!
[20:44] Jayson Dallagio grins
[20:45] You: I never got a marriage proposed
[20:45] Franziskus Ninetails squeezes
[20:45] Jayson Dallagio: well you just did
[20:45] Franziskus Ninetails nods
[20:45] Jayson Dallagio: and when your ready i will marry you that vey moment

Saturday night

On Saturday, 2008-05-03 at 17:59
Jayson Dallagio
and
Franziskus Ninetails
became husbands

Jayson

We are a couple now for... how long? 48 hours? And already had our first argument. *sigh* Oh, how much I do not want that! I felt so happy. I don't want arguments any more. Got enough of that in the last weeks.

I thought, he's the first person, who takes me as I am. Almost everybody - except my kitten Douggie - else disappointed me in this. Even my lovely sister Nia disappointed me, as she told me, she had enough drama in RL, she won't need mine in SL. I know, I molested her - and others - too much with my problems in the last days. I'm sure it was annoying. But it was just mean of her to say that. Especially after I've been there for her and listened to her, when she talked about her SL and RL-problems.

But back to Jayson. - He acted very jealous last night. I think it was the fault of both of us. Just silly. I played with a doggie at the XCite-shop, and Jayson asked me, if I would like to have a pet. I liked the idea. So we took the doggie with us. I thought, he wanted it too, but he just asked, to do me a favour. Whoa! It was such a mess and he acted jealous and I was desperate. No good!
Well, yeah, it just was a mistake to take that doggie with us. But that's not the point. Jayson told me, that he never wanted to see me fucked by anyone else. Hello?!? I had told him in the beginning that I'm a slut! And he said then he wouldn't care as long as I come home to him afterwards. And now this! - I love sex. And I love to flirt. And I'm becoming an escort. - I don't need a boyfriend/lover who's acting furiously jealous everytime I flirt or fuck someone else.
He apologized and asked me, if I would promise that I won't leave him. I will not leave him. But I won't change either. So, if he can't accept me, the slutty horny kitten, then he will leave me sooner or later. And that scared me.

Hm... we didn't finish that discussion. It went too late and he sent me to bed. Please, wish me luck. I really want this relationship to work! I had such a messy life in the last weeks; I think, kitteh here has deserved the right to be happy finally!

Oh, and before this damn thing happened, he asked me to marry him...

a mess

What a week!!! So many things happened. Enough for a life-time!

Let me start with the Vampire-Club: I'm an official dancer there now. I learned some very hot moves this week. - The opening was on saturday, but I had to work (RL) and came too late. Well, didn't miss much. The other boys are very nice to me. Especially Phillip helped me a lot. I like him very much. I can't wait to the next party. Hope I have time then. I think, I could do a very good job as dancer and escort. But unlucky me: The customers will propably fall in love with me, cause I'm just too nice and cute. *hehe* And they will forget to tip me, cause they take it all for real. How to handle that? /me shrugs

Then there were some strange things happening. One of our eager pledges was Marq, an 18 y.o. very confused, very kinky boy. I loved to play with him. He has a master - Ceth. Marq was eager to help me out of my sadness caused by Andrej. He wanted to find a new boyfriend/lover for me. I told him, it's not neccessary, but he didn't stop. So he and Ceth introduced me to Jayson, a vampire. Lost and wounded soul. He was an apprentace of Ceth, submitted to Ceth but dominated Marq.
So, Jayson had a crush on me. We compared power - so to say. I knew, I could dom him... he offered me at the end to be my subbie; but I was in such a sad and vulnerable mood, that I wanted to submit to him. I enjoyed it, felt save and warm in his arms. It wasn't love at that moment, just a very good feeling. Ceth and Marq said, how happy they are for us. And Ceth welcomed me to his family. I spent the night in Jaysons arms and it felt good.
The next day, as I came back, things suddenly changed. Now Marq and Jayson were a couple and both yelling at the little tiger here. Franziskus was all "huh?!? what's happening???" Felt like twighlight-zone. Had no idea, what they wanted of me. I wasn't in love with Jayson at that moment, so why should I bother? I wished them good luck and felt happy for them.
But Marq was for some reason angry with me. I don't know, what I did to him!? I think, he's just a selfish, manipulating little fool. Well, he's 18 and confused. I don't blame him. Don't hate him, even if he was very mean to me.
But next thing happened: Marq tried to force Jayson, to break up every contact with me. Big mistake, kid! As Jayson refused to "choose", Marq disappeared. Jayson came to me. I welcomed him. Offered him a home, to be with me... but told him, I'm still not in love with him. I couldn't. Was still in love with Andrej somehow.
Well, apart from that it was a nice evening. I introduced Jayson to some of my friends. We danced at the vampire-club. My friend Dashiel was there too and brought his two slave-brothers with him. Jayson had to leave soon, so Dash, his two brothers, Rammy and me had some fun in the dungeon. *hehe* Jayson came back later. At the vampire-club we had sex for the first time. Then I took him home to the beach-house and fall asleep in his arms again. Always sooo good!
The next day he told me, that Marq talks to him again. And eventually they will become a couple again. - Well, I thought "That's it!". I had enough of being the victim of some strange games. I wished them luck, but Jayson didn't stop talking to me. *sigh* I decided to end that all: Not only Jayson, but make the break-up with Andrej official too.
Andrej hadn't talked to me for about a week or so, although he was on a lot. I wanted to end it, but - gosh! - I fell so in love with him again. I wanted him back. And I was so confused. And to make confusion complete: Jayson called a few minutes after my chat with Andrej. And suddenly I fell in love with him too. Isn't this a mess???
I felt so torn and my instinct said, to get rid of both of them. But my heart wanted to be with both of them. I thought, maybe Jayson could fill the leak that Andrej would leave in me. Maybe it would have been unfair to Jayson. Don't know... But maybe it could work out.
Well, but things never work out as little tiger wants them to be. As Andrej came back, he told me, he can't be with me anymore. It was painful. Jayson hold me in his arms while I was crying. But after I calmed down, I felt liberated somehow. All the suffering of the last weeks - I felt it was over! Sure, it was sad somehow, but I knew: Now I'm ready to start something new!
I've spent the next hours with my new love Jayson. And for the first time in weeks, I felt really, really happy and satisfied. Not only, that we are lovers, I also made him my owner. I submit to him and I feel so warm and save and protected with him. *sigh*

So, lets see and wait for the things are coming! This is a happy tiger now! Finally, after weeks...

~~~***~~~ RRRROOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR ~~***~~~