Friday, May 9, 2008

Shoot me!

My life just seemed to calm down. Ready for a restart. Felt good.

I chatted and flirted with the Dark Prince a little. Very nice. Had to keep myself back not to get too horny. But I enjoyed it. And right the moment I thought: "Hey, tiger is back!" it made *blink* and an IM came. From him. Jayson. He loves me and he wants me back. He said. Would you insert your earplugs for a moment? Because now I have to say....


Thank you. You can remove the earplugs now.

I don't know, what to do. He says, it was ME he was waiting for all the time, not Marq. Believe him? Believe him not? Love him? Hate him? I can't hate. Not him. Not anybody, I guess. Everybody will say: "No!!! Don't let him into your life again!". And they are right. I know it. But I can't help. I just can't say 'no'. And that's why I'm not sure. Do I really love him? Or do I just not wanna hurt him? I think, if any stranger would come and say: "Hey, I'm so lonely. Would you like to be my partner?" I would say "Okay!", just because I can't say no. So, is it really fair to take him back? Fair to him? (Fair to myself not at all) I know, he will ruin me again. I know, my heart gets some more scars. But I can't do anything.
The other night, when I talked to Mylord, I told him: It's a special kind of masochism we are living. We are always there for others. We love them without obligations. When we get hurt, we feel sorry, that we have bad feelings and we apologize when others should apologize to us. Andrej once said to me I would try to manipulate his feelings with my hypocritical behaviour. But that's not true. It's really me. I can't help it. Wish I could. Can't. We need that. We need the feeling to be there for others. To be needed by others. Even if we feel like trashcans sometimes. They will leave when they feel good. They come back when they feel bad. And we are waiting. Patiently. But with a deep pain inside. We are slaves. Addicted to that feeling of being needed.
/me taking a deep breath. Geeze! I don't know what to do. Why isn't there anybody who tells me what to do? I so wished that Mylord was on last night. He would have known what to do. But I've sent him to bed, cause he didn't get enough sleep. *hehe*

However! I didn't know what to do. Jayson gave me time to think about it. And Prince invited me to a dance at a club to get some distraction. I invited Dashiel to join us. He came in his Gor silks. Gosh! I'm getting so horny seeing him in his silks. He's just tooooooo sexy! He told me about his life in Gor. Sounds so complicated. And dangerous too. But exciting. I'm a little envious. He seems so happy as Gor Kajiru. Why do I have so many other obligations? Maybe one day, when I got really enough of all the mess, I'll leave everything behind me and go to Gor too. See, if I'll find a master who takes me? So appealing. And Dashiel seems to be so happy. I'm happy for him. He's a good boy. - Well, he came in his Gor-silks and to make him feel less.... uhm.... "outsiderish".... I put on silks too (jaja, I admit: I love them, so it wasn't such a big sacrifice!) and did wear it for the rest of the night.

At the club the owner of another escort-service asked, if I would work for him. I felt so honored! But no. I'm loyal to Mylord. Even if there won't be much customers in the beginning. I'll stay with him. If nothing happens in the next 4 or 5 weeks I still can see if I can find another working place.

Well, after Dashiel had to go to bed, Jayson came back. And we talked the next few hours. I told him, I'm ready to give him another chance. Not as my official boyfriend. I don't want to rush into things again. We can meet. We can spend some time together. But I will go my way. And then see, how he reacts. If he can handle it.

He had to leave then. And I had to calm down Kale who was devastated cause his new love Sam didn't show up. I tried to calm him down. Geeze! How many nights did I wait for Andrej? How many times have I been ignored by him? And that little foxy ist devasted after 12 hours??? Poor boy. Will have to suffer a lot more, I think.

The last hour I took some pictures at the castle for my escort-notecard. But they are not too good. I think I need a pro to get some good pictures for me. Well, I like this one:

Yeah, and that was my thursday. Have to work RL a lot the next days. Don't know what comes. So: Wish me luck!!

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