Wednesday, May 28, 2008

another long night

Last night I got my boardcard from Kyoka. This is so much more myself then the picture before! I just love it!

It was a very emotional night yesterday. Spent time with my love and that newbie at the escort. Then with my love alone. - As Spanki arrived I almost introduced him as my boyfriend. But I bit my tongue. Never talked about that, never made something "official". So, is he my boyfriend, my lover, my man? I so feel connected to him. I never would have dared to dream that a few weeks ago. We made each other owners of our collars. And we walked around chained together. That was so symbolic! *sigh*At least to me... So, is he my boyfriend? But: Does it matter, how it is called? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet... But to be honest: It sounds good to me; I'd love to call him that... my boyfriend, my lover, my man... without any tenure, without any obligations for him, just to show everybody: I'm all his, giving him all of myself, demanding nothing of him at the same time, but appreciating everything he gives me freely as a precious gift.
Sometimes or maybe often I have the impression, I see too much in it. Propably because I was so betrayed by Andrej before, that I can't believe, anyone loves me back with the full passion and power in which I love him? And then I'm surprised when he offers me one of those precious gifts - a word of love, a gesture, a spontanous hug - anything like that... and my heart starts beating techno and I could scream just of happiness... *sigh*

So, we had a wonderful night. Happiness only a little overshadowed by the continuing arguing - or better say silence? - between father and son. It makes me sad to see both suffering. The one full of rage which eats him up. Not (only) against his father, but against himself, projecting it on others, even on me for moments, and then hating himself even more... And the other always complaining and trying to hide his disappointment in kind of arrogant sulky accusing. - I just feel, that it could be a happy family, but I don't know what to do. I feel so helpless between them.

Well, that's it for today. Apart from that I started to work on a menu again. But it's not easy to do it all alone without anyone to help for adjustments. But I really want to progress with the frathouse now...

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