Tuesday, May 20, 2008


I think, I'm loosing my balance again. Wondered that I was calm the last two or three weeks most of the time, though my life still was and is too busy and too emotional and too messy. Seems I can't be there for everybody. Why do I have the feeling, that I have to answer everybodies expectations? And why do I feel so bad when I can't do it, cause my day only has 24 hours and I only can be at one place at time?
Got the feeling Rammy is disappointed at me. Well, maybe he's right? I didn't care much for him in the last weeks. But let's be honest: How much did he care for me? So, I shouldn't feel bad in neglecting him. He went his own way, left me long before I left him. It's ok. We are still brothers. And there will come a time, when we are together again.
And my sweet kitten Douggie. Okay, he didn't complain. But I have a bad concious neglecting him too. On the other side: I talked to him in IM, invited him to dances or just to join me, but he often doesn't even answer or just disappears. That's okay. But again: Why do I have a bad concious then?
Well, I could go on with that list. Neglected so many friends in the last weeks. Spent most of my time with Dafydd.
And now? Now he's complaining, that he doesn't get enough attention! That's so unfair!!! I've spent almost the whole weekend with him. Yesterday I finally had some minutes with S. It's like taking a vacation with him. Leaving this world. A big protecting bubble. Like my magic shield. I calm down, get energy, feel good and save and warm. - But now I have the impression, someone tries to give me a bad concious for that little piece of luck too. And that's so not fair!

I really don't know, where things go from here. The jobs (oh, I have another job as dancer; but it's boring there... only other dancers, no guests... and nobody TALKS!), friendships, clients, the fraternity... It's too much for me! I was thinking of giving up the frathouse, especially as Rammy isn't much help with it. Never was. But I would like to keep the parcel. Maybe build my own house there. A bigger one. A nice garden. Don't know... I thought, I'm just exhausted and need a break, but for the last 5 weeks I haven't done anything. *sigh*

My so called boyfriend didn't show for a whole week. That means: I didn't SEE him online, but he was. I think he's hiding from me too. Like Andrej. Strange. Dashiel calls it "to do an Andrej on someone". *hehe* I wonder, what I did to him? Well, I think, it's just over. He's going his way and it's good like it is.

So, let's just wait how things are going on. Should take care of my RL though. Still haven't found the X to switch it off or at least re-log into it.

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