Wednesday, July 9, 2008

sad weekend

Finally I'm ready to write about saturday night. When I logged in that night, I got Nia's good-bye-message. Had to read it three times to recognize what it means. Somewhere deep inside I still hope, that it was just a rude and brutal way to leave SL, not thinking of the feelings it leaves to the people who loved her. Though it really would be brutal and mean to do such a thing, it gives me hope...

However. I don't know, how I would have survived that night without friends. From all sides I got IMs. Even from people I didn't know very much. And that helped a lot. I felt warmth and love all around me, keeping me up, making me strong. Thank you all!

But first I only stood there for over an hour, didn't know what to do, couldn't move. I got so many offers to get hugged, but I couldn't react. I needed a REAL hug, someone who holds me in his arms so I could FEEL it.. So, I called Spanki. No matter how much we fought in the past... but I always felt his touch for real. And yes, it helped! He hold me for a while. Just hold me. And it gave me strenght. Strength for my brother Rammy, who arrived later and was paralized too.

So, later I was ready to meet some friends. My little brother Kyne came and Jojo and JC and Mikal... And we just sat around the campfire and talked (I've stolen the picture from your blog, JC). And it was good. I'm very thankful to have such friends.

However, I thought a lot about SL these days. My first thought was to leave this world forever. You know - some people think, SL is only there for fun and happiness. What a simple thought that is! Sure, it would be cool - just switch it on and *tadaaa* you're happy. Like you'd take some happy-pills or something? - Well, sometimes it is like that. And for some people it may be always like that... but for me it's a little simple-minded to see it this way. And to be honest: It would be boring. Always being happy and having fun? How would you know, what happiness is, when you never experience sadness?
For me it's much more then this. One point is, to get to know people all around the world. And no, it doesn't matter, if the person before the screen is different to his AV. Who tell's you that behind the hot, dark-tanned, muscular 20yo guy you're flirting with isn't a 80 yo grandpa? But you know what? I don't mind! Well, it's a 20yo guy with experience then. The better! - It's the personality that counts. And the way we want to see ourselves. How we feel inside. And if someone feels, he is a werewolf or a vampire or a fairy (well, that's most of the guys I meet....) or a tiger, then it IS that way. Period.
Some people say, SL is all about roleplaying. I don't think so. You see: In RL we are retricted. Yeah, we can't fly or tp or read other peoples mind and all that stuff. But we are also restricted by our looks, our income, our physical constitution, by laws and morality etc. You cannot be yourself in Real life. Whoever says something else is a liar! (Or he has to show me, how he gets naked in the disco...) So, where do we play a role? Isn't it RL where we are roleplaying? In SL you have freedom. You're born ruthie, without friends, without family, without looks. And you got the freedom to find your looks, to choose your own family, to be who you want to be. It's your personality that counts.
And yes, your personality expresses in your looks too. If you take care of your looks, if you chose a more different, individual skin and shape (and some day I recognized that I'm attracted to those people) - or if you chose a popular skin and shape, which sure is good-looking but makes you a klone to 30 people around you - or if you chose to be a neko, a werwolf, a vampire, an urban cowboy or a little rubber-duck - or if you're careless and think the original plastic-look is good enuff... That all tells something about you! Some people say, I'm empathic; but I just watch.

I'm losing thread a little. But I wanted to explain, that SL is so much more then fun and happiness. People in RL who hear about my adventures often think it's ridiculous. They don't understand anything and they don't have any phantasy. So some friends in SL became more precious to me then some RL-friends. Dangerous? *shrug* As my sister Nia decided to leave both worlds, it not only made me very sad, it also left me helpless. And I asked myself, if I want that any longer. If it is really enough to meet personalities, not persons. If it wouldn't be better to stop this and spend more time in RL, even if that one is restricted. And that's where I had the thought to leave SL. But then I felt it. I mean: I felt it. All the love from different sides. You cannot ROLEPLAY a feeling (oki, some can...). It doesn't matter, if you are on the other side of the globe. It doesn't matter how you look in RL. It just doesn't. Love is love. Feeling is feeling. Emotion is emotion.
And I recognized: I can't leave. I have a task here. The task to get to know personalities. The task to fight loneliness and sadness. The task to fulfill phantasies. That's what I'm doing. And that's what I'm getting. And if it's just a simple thing like having sex with someone. It's so much more (and I think, my partners recognize it. I'm not kidding, when I say that almost everybody tells me after the first time, that he didn't know SL-sex can be that exciting). [Yeah, I know - this attitude isn't the right one to work as escort. I'm way too generous.]
No, I cannot leave this. Maybe it's not a perfect world. But it's a better world then outworld. And I like to do my share to make it even better. You should too!

1 comment:

Rammy said...

What very thoughtful observations.