Wednesday, July 2, 2008

His masters voice?

Okiiiiiii.... This is the about 25th try to write this entry. As I started to write it last week after my fight with prince the entry became very, very, VEEEEEERY private. Too much RL influence there. So I decided to start again... and again.... and again...
Well, it's time to finish it. So I'll just talk shortly (ha! as if tiger could do that!) about my experiences. - Oh my! I can't believe that all of this happened in just 10 days. Felt like half a year or so.

However! Let's go: Met the master a day before I made up again with prince. I wasn't looking for an owner. Tiger is too independent, too self-assure, too dominant to be owned. And the view most of the masters (and slaves) have of slavery is just humiliating and hurting dignity. Tiger's too proud for that. So, I'm still not sure what I was looking for. Tiger likes submission in a sexual play, surely likes punishments (but won't tell the reasons for it - that's the too personal part I mentioned)... but being a 24/7 slave? No. And at the point where master and me made the arrangement, I told him, that my boyfriend (though we were seperated at that moment) always will be my #1. So we agreed, that I only submit to him. Only SUBMIT to him. And only submit TO HIM. Not being his slave.

So, saturday I made up with prince again. Offered to cancel the appointment with master. But prince said no, I should go. So I met master on monday and... it was good! It was really good. Getting a whipping with cleaning effect. Cleaning the soul. And feeling cared for. Strange thingens. But I was wearing the whip-marks proudly. And I was eager to meet my prince soon, to tell him everything. But then it all went wrong. He became all grumbly again. But I decided to give him time. But the next day I tried to talk to him and he told me, that I wouldn't care for other peoples feelings. And that I hurt HIS feelings walking around with whip-marks. Oh my! That was so the opposite of what it really was. And I got so angry and told him, that he's the most selfish person I know. I meant it that moment. So... well, seperated again. *sigh*

I just mention it to explain, that tiger was in a very vulnerable mood again. Feeling weak and over-sensitive. Out of balance again. Was glad, master was there. Felt happy and save there, and cared for. But the "play" went too far. He did lead me more and more into a slave-role, and I have to admit, that I liked it somehow and that I encouraged him. So, he's not to blame. He's really nice and caring and was very kind to tiger.
It was like another world. Yes. On the one side a world where I have to care for nothing. Just following commands, being lead, being cared for. On the other side the world of independent tiger, playfull, cheeky, naughty... with friends, obligations, work... a little exhausting too. Well, very exhausting sometimes.
But then master commanded me to call another so-called master "Sir" in public to show him the respect he deserved. And that was the beginning of the end. I understand, that the behaviour of a slave is the reputation of his master. But hello?!? Didn't I say, that I'm not a slave? And why the hell should I call anyone "Sir" only because he calls himself "master". Oh my, I was called "Sir" and "master" so often in my life - without questioning it. They always did it by free will, cause they respected me. There even were some masters who wanted to measure power of will with tiger and begged him at the end that they could submit to him. *lol* Tiger has to laugh sometimes. Some people only see the playful, naughty, foolish tiger-boy on the surface and think it would be easy to bend him. They are so dumb! Behind the mask, there's a powerful will, a quick mind and knowledge way over the average. Not to mention big passion and a deep emotional soul. - Yes, tiger is a little "arrogant" deep inside, but it was hard work and he deserved it. So again: Why should I call anyone "Sir" only cause I'm commanded to? - That was the moment I realized, that it's gone too far. And I talked to master and he apologized for stepping over the border and hurting our agreement. And we decided to take a step back. Seemed to be okay so far...

But then tiger was manipulated. Ah, getting so angry by the thought of it! - There was a person who tried to befriend tiger. Tiger was suspicious, but as friendly and open person he gave him a chance. Well, and last week he offered to take tiger as slave. That was so ridiculous! I tried not to laugh and be diplomatic and declined with thanks. But then exactly this person tried to intrude my "other world". And there I got really angry and upset. He couldn't get me as sub, so he sneaked up on my master and asked him, to show how to become a good master. Oh my! If he doesn't know that by himself, he should leave it! But it seemed to me, that he only done that to get power over tiger this way. And that made tiger very upset!
My first urge was to eject him from friendslist and cancel every contact. But tiger learned - thanks to master - to open his mouth and to express himself. So he told that person, that he's angry with him. And as they talked, he told me, what master reputedly said. Something like that it's not my concerne as his slave to complain about it and a lot of other really slave-humiliating stuff. Oh, I was so disappointed. I sent back collar and cuffs to master and almost left group and ejected him from friendslist.
Thank God I wanted to leave him peacefully as he did very much for tiger and really cared. So I called him to say good-bye and apologized for causing so much trouble... and found out, that the other person lied. Oh my, he twisted masters words so much, manipulating me to leave master. I'm so angry with that person! He better never cross my way again!

Well, so... that was my trip into the world of slavery and/or submission. I'm still not sure, how much I like it. Somehow I do, but then again my pride comes through. I'm just not born as slave, I guess, but enjoyed the cared for and warm feeling I got. We will stay "friends", master said. Whatever that means. I was tempted to beg him, to give me those cuffs and collar back, but I was afraid, what he would think of me weirdo, not able to make up his mind.
And the thought of giving myself up and everything in his hands, is still tempting. Maybe some day... I don't know. I still call him master and Sir, just because I adore him and I'm thankful. The chance is gone, I guess. We rushed too fast into it. Makes me a little sad, that I caused so much trouble. But somehow I'm calmed and balanced and strong again. Hm... it must be wednesday!

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