A day off

Took a day off. But in spite of that I was busy in business. Long discussions. Same issue. Upsetting. Tiring. And again not enuff sleep. 3 hours later then planned. Eeeeeek!

But the rest of the day was oki. Did some work on the beach-shore and that corner looks really nice now. Too bad I forgot to take a picture.

Cleaned inventory. Started with about 10.700 items. After 2 hours cleaning I had... well, about 10.700 items. *sigh*

Hot hot hot

Yesh! Very hot. Had high temperature and headaches from a cold last night. And late night didn't work very well for tiger. Got very upset about a bad remark, almost left Premier, then almost left my new home and Quag, then my kitten Douggie almost left SL... It was a nightmare!

But it could have become such a good night, cause we boys really looked hot, hot, HOT!!! It was sports theme at Domineck's and we decided to wear all the same gear. We did it yesterday too with purple theme and we all were wearing the same purple silks. I think it's a really good idea to do that more often to show guests that we are a great team. And Dom put us as picture on the dancefloor which looked phantastic.

Cowboys & Cats

It's an old commercial and you all prolly know it already, but this is definitely missing on JCs other blog:

Monday was a good day

Not much to tell about monday. Was busy with organizing the schedule for Dom's this week. But had much fun at the dance. And was pretty impressed, that the guys are all interested in dancing there now. I'm very proud of them (and me too).

Oh... and I had some spontanous sex again. Finally! Whew!

And we looked gorgeous in purple silks!

My kitten is back

Sunday started not so good. Someone did "the Andrej" to me. - For all, who didn't follow this blog: It's to hide from someone by showing offline. - Well, this person knew exactly, that we would meet at a party and how much this would hurt me. For the first time I ejected someone from my friendslist (well, did it before, but not of disappointment; just some people who befriended me and then never saw again).

But the rest of the night was fine. There was the no-work-today party at Premier. Was nice to meet all the guys again, although I was distracted by IMs.

Then helped Mikey becoming a neko. He's soooo cute as kitten.

And finally went to work at Dom's. Neko night and: Kaj's first night there!!! Was so cool to have him as DJ. I hope he was contented with his first gig there. There could have been some more nice kittens, but it was the first time, so it wasn't bad. I think there will come more the next weeks...

And then.... *yaaaaaaaaaay* .... my kitten Douggie logged in. Oh my! How much I missed my little sunshine!!! We hugged and hugged and hugged and I was so happy to see him again. We did some talking after the party, but there happened so much in the last weeks. But he thought, the family-idea is a nice idea, and that made me happy, cause his opinion means a lot to me.

So after a little talking, we worked on the new house. I can't wait to start gardening! Nice garden and beach we will have, I hope.

It became pretty late again as Q brought us both to bed. But I was happy to have my little kitten back and sleeping all together in my kitty-bed (but considered, that I'd need a 6sum-cuddle there or more).

So, after all it was a very good day.

ruthies of the weekend

Two more pics for my ruthie-collection! *hehe*

Clinton, Q and some others convinced me on saturday to take the night off. Was kinda relaxing. So I just strolled around, did some more inventory-cleaning, joined party at Jakes and later went to Dom's for the "lickable latex" party. As I arrived there, most of the guys were ruthie to me. That was really funny. All the supposed to be hotties ruthed...

But I have to admit: Especially Q (in blue) looked somehow very cute. Well, the boobies are ignorable. But Buger (in red) was cute too.

I could have taken more pics, but the other ruthies I didn't know.

JC came over for a while too (still waiting to get a ruthie-pic of him). He did party-jumping. I wanted to join him laters for the next party, but I was too distracted in IMs. And somehow I felt a little sick (RL). One of the miceys must have been rotten...

short update

RL-work calls, so just a few words on friday.

Nothing special happened.

Cleaning closet again. (If I ever get back UNDER 10.000 items in my inventory?)

Then wanted to join JCs rez-party, but DJ at Dom's was cancelled and tried to help to find a new one.

Two hours naked dancing followed (on the pic: Rickie, Q and me... Would have been a pretty good pic if there wasn't the damn donation-bar in the background which makes Rickie look like he had a 20 inches huge red dick!).

Jumped over (naked) to JCs party finally for a few minutes.

And that's it. [Well, apart from the cognition, that someone just should grow up...]

meow?

<--- Showing my new fangs. Nice with XCite-script inserted. Now I just have to find out why they always get 100% transparent...

Weird day yesterday. Well, day before too, but not that bad as thursday.

On wednesday pretty busy with some new XCite-stuff I bought on tuesday. My dick takes now about half an hour to load because of all the tools that are on it. I was considering to buy 2-3 others so I can change them with different tools. *lol*

And I've been to Nekismo for half an hour. Won the contest there, which surprised me a little, cause none of my friends was there to vote for me. But I left more then the prize money in tips, so that may be the reason, why they vote for me? However, I feel good with all the kittehs there.
Laters to Gabriel's. Danced with Dandy, Nia's RL-sister. I think, I'll adopt her too as my sister. She's sweet and fun and sexy. And she likes company of gay men as Nia did.
And then "Stripes"-night at Domineck's. Was only wearing my (new) stripes and a thong. It's an easy theme for a tiger. *hehe* But didn't win contest and tips were lousy. But we had fun and Dandy came too... And later - OMG - I invited Andrej to meet Nia's sister. And as we stood there face to face it was all... *whooooooooommmmm* ... and good memories and love and I suddenly recognized how much he still means to me and what a big corner of my heart he still owns. We decided to meet soon and have a long talk and refresh friendship (not relationship).

Sooooooo *taking a deep breath* thursday came. I was busy for the first two hours unboxing a lot of nice freebie-stuff I've found. Really cool stuff. Went over to PGC-beach then, where Gregster played. But he didn't recognize me very much and Spanki suddenly disappeared without a word and I was busy in IMs and... well, somehow didn't feel so good.
Then Q invited me to go house-shopping. - And from now on, everything got a mess. Spanki called me to cancel the gig for friday. And it seems, it was my fault again. So, we got in a IM-fight again and I should have watched houses, what could have been an exciting experience, but ended crying somewhere on a terrace and Q didn't even recognize, that I'd needed someone to hug me and the same time Gregster called, kidding around and.... *sigh* It was all messy.
The thing I still don't understand: Why am I selfish? I love my friends and family. And they love me. I think, that's a good thing. That's the way it should be. All in love together. But the one can't accept it. Can't accept that there are more people in my life then only he. And as he can't accept it, I left him. With my heart breaking, but keeping the little rest what left from me. So damnit! Could anyone explain to me, why it is selfish to spread ones love?
The only person who could call me selfish, would be Q. He loves me and takes care of me and spoils me - and all he gets back is a kitteh, that comes home from strolling around at the end of the day, to get fed and get hold when falling asleep. And I already had a bad concious and wanted to leave cause I felt like I had to "pay back" something, but thanks to the long talk with JC the other day, he persuaded me to stay and enjoy.
Soooooo.... Q bought a big villa for us and we want to start a family. With my brothers Rammy and Kyne and my kitten Douggie (if he ever comes back inworld) and my future sister Dandy and my almost brothers Tree and Dashiel and Stev and all the friends. That would be pretty close to my dream. And everybody who got only love in his heart is welcome, but those who can't accept it and are full of jealousy and envy better should stay away.

Well, later I calmed down and worked and entertained and looked good. And I bought some leather-stuff for my little bro, so he won the first prize at the contest (well, he had to share... with me), so I was pretty proud of him. And things looked better and I decided to go over to that club, where Kaj DJd, and there I met J., with whom I had a nice threesum on the dancefloor a few weeks ago... and I only wanted to invite him to neko-night on sunday at Dom's to meet him there again, as the owner of the club started to yell at me in IM:

[21:28] ER: hey Franz..don't promote other clubs in min ek?
[21:29] me: tag is off. and this is a private talk!
[21:29] ER: excuse me?
[21:29] ER: this is a private club
[21:30] ER: you'll respect my wishes here or leave
[21:30] me: I said, this is a private talk between J~ and me
[21:30] me: can't I make a date with him? that's strange...
[21:31] ER: what u can't do..is promote other clubs on my main..period
[21:31] ER: know what..fuck it..bye bye

...... and ejected me. Ever heard something crazy like that? Gee, there ARE some crazy people in SL!!! So, I would mention the name of the club and tell you "Don't ever go there!" (sorry, Kaj!), but damn, I don't wanna promote it in mentioning the name. *lol*

So, I was a little upset at the end and couldn't sleep. Went shopping with Q (tiger tails; but not sure, if they really fit me...) and then he put me to bed. Talking for a while. Poor Q was a little upset because of Spanks who made me cry. He's so protective and that feels good.

However, weird night it was. Must have been thursday....

just so

Just because the one still confusing me with his actions and words and the other I met yesterday after weeks again. Still in love...


I used to do it for the love a long time ago
And all I ever wanted was love
I used to love without fear a long time ago
And all I ever wanted was love
Then somebody came around and tried to hurt me
Tried to make me feel like I was unworthy
Took a pure love and tried to make it dirty
Truth was they never did deserve me
No!

Chorus:
I had to lose myself so I could love you better
I had to lose myself, had to lose myself so I could
love you better
Had to lose myself, had to lose myself
So I could love you better
Had to lose myself in love
And that’s just the way it is…

Couldn’t tell me I was love when I needed it
When, all I ever wanted was love.
Should a told me just me because!
I’m worth receiving it
But all I ever wanted was love
There’s is something awkward about the selflessness it
takes to
Give love and the good that it makes you!
True love can never really forsake you
But it took a little while just for me to see!

Chorus:
I had to lose myself so I could love you better
I had to lose myself, had to lose myself so I could
love you better
Had to lose myself, had to lose myself
So I could love you better
Had to lose myself in love
And that’s just the way it is…

I had a paralyzing fear of facing failure
And I couldn’t love you perfectly with fear in my head
So I peerlessly had to face the danger
So I could come back and love you whole instead
All of your soul I said!
So I could make it better

Chorus:
I had to lose myself so I could love you better
I had to lose myself, had to lose myself so I could
love you better
Had to lose myself, had to lose myself
So I could love you better
Had to lose myself in love
And that’s just the way it is…

B-Sec:
And so it goes that I never meant to hurt you
Couldn’t stay but I never meant to desert you
Whole lot a things I just had to work thru
Time to heal and restore myself worth too
Confrontation of my fears and anxiety
Cried a whole lot years I suffered quietly
And though it may have taken years I can finally!
Tell you that you were always on my mind!

Chorus:
I had to lose myself so I could make it better
I had to lose myself, had to lose myself so I could
make it better
Had to lose myself, had to lose myself
So I could make it better
Had to lose myself in love
And that was just the way!

Bridge:

Takes strength to absorb all the abuse I did
Great love to absorb all the misuse I did
Hey baby it’s not an excuse I give.
And I’d do it all again because for you I live

Takes strength to absorb all the abuse I did
Great love to absorb all the abuse I did
Hey baby it’s not an excuse I give.
And I’d do it all again because for you I live

Chorus:
I had to lose myself so I could make it better
I had to lose myself, had to lose myself so I could
make it better
Had to lose myself, had to lose myself
So I could make it better
Had to lose myself in love
And that was just the way!
And that was just the way it is…

ruthies

Yesterday I decided to collect ruthie-pics in my blog. It's mean, I know... But you have to admit: Kinda funny! So, here are the first. Lyon on the right, a guest at Domineck's yesterday. He hided all the time in the sploder and as he at last showed himself, he was all ruthie. Isn't it ironic?

Here on the left you see Dafydd T. a while ago in the hall of Premier Escort. I told him 10 times to rebake, but he said, it must be me. So, well... Now he has to deal with it. *hehe* (Btw - I hope he's oki. Haven't heard of him for weeks now!)

And I already posted Clinton and Tree a while ago.

Well, as long as it's on the dance-floor, it's funny. When you wanna have sex with someone and he turns ruthie, then it's a little... uhm.... distracting?

However, in my next Lindenlife I'll be a little gnome with no hair and boobies, so I'll never have to fear again, that I'm ruthie and noone tells me. If you ever have the opportunity to see tiger ruthed, please send me the pic! Thanks!

Found on JCs blog:

You are The Empress

Beauty, happiness, pleasure, success, luxury, dissipation.

The Empress is associated with Venus, the feminine planet, so it represents,
beauty, charm, pleasure, luxury, and delight. You may be good at home
decorating, art or anything to do with making things beautiful.

The Empress is a creator, be it creation of life, of romance, of art or business. While the Magician is the primal spark, the idea made real, and the High Priestess is the one who gives the idea a form, the Empress is the womb where it gestates and grows till it is ready to be born. This is why her symbol is Venus, goddess of beautiful things as well as love. Even so, the Empress is more Demeter, goddess of abundance, then sensual Venus. She is the giver of Earthly gifts, yet at the same time, she can, in anger withhold, as Demeter did when her daughter, Persephone, was kidnapped. In fury and grief, she kept the Earth barren till her child was returned to her.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Wait a minute... Did it say I'm a Queen???

Ball worship in SL!!!

Don't ask me about that headline. It's hard to explain. Just found out, that the question "Would you come home with me and help me adjusting my balls?" (meant were poseballs!) causes some giggles. So Stev and Q told me, they worship my balls *lol* And Stev said, that's prolly the next headline in my blog. And yesh! Here it is. So, prolly from now on I have to stand next to (or sit on?) the giant red dildo, which is usually worshipped at Domineck's, to get my balls worshipped? Dunno, if I'd like that...

Okis, so my mood is... fine! Great! Apart from the fact that I lost internet-connection right at the moment the event at Dom's started for over an hour. But many people seemed to have problems yesterday. I missed a lot of friends.

But it was a relaxed evening. Did a little shopping, strolling around, talking, a little business (We have a premier-Ad at Dom's now and I saw the pic that Spanki made for it and it looks AWESOME!!!), lots of IMs, made a new love-menu in my new kitteh-bed (that's why "my" balls need adjustment), Spanki called me in the morning and wants to dance on Friday at Dom's too (what made me very happy), Tim and Conner - who danced yesterday - got more then 2000 Lindens tips each (I'm always glad, when they are tipped good, cause somehow I feel responsible), I gave Q and Stev some German-lessons, and I slept very relaxed (and very late) in my new kitteh-bed in Q's arms and continued dreaming of my big "family", cause yesterday it was really close to it.

So, mood is rising. Now I just need some good sex (haven't had for at least 10 days!) and it almost would be purrrrfect!

found it

One of my 2000 gestures.... Here's the vid and found it for the playlist too!

Sunday

Ah, should have been a lazy, relaxed sunday, but somehow I was caught in IMs and tried to shop (and yes, I showed a friend Sine-dances and couldn't resist - 6 new ones...*sigh*) aside and organize Dom's (so we've been 4 dancers at last)... so I was pretty busy.

The last hour I spent meditating with JC in a Buddhistic temple. - Well, of course there could be other things then meditating to do with that schmexie cowboy, but I enjoyed it very much, although I was pretty tired, talked a lot of nonsense and deleted it again.
He asked me, what I really want. Gee! How often did I hear that question in the last weeks? How often did I ask this question myself? But this time I didn't say "dunno!", this time I said: "A family!". And yes, I guess that's true. I want a family with lots of brothers (maybe some sisters) and some fathers, taking care of their sons. Everybody loves each other the same way. No one demands more attention then the other one. No one gets jealous. Each knowing he can rely on each other. And of course a lot of incestual interaction. - But that's an impossible dream, even for SL, I think.

On the other side, I'm still sorrow for the one I love. He says, he's still sore, but he's going his way, and that's good, I guess. At least we're talking again. Not much. Not as much as I'd want to. But I'm patient. Giving him time. After all it was me who broke up, so I can't expect, that he'd trust me as friend (if he ever did at all).

And still the question: What to do with the frathouse? I didn't spend much time there in the last weeks. I still dream of my Toscanian villa, but can't decide to delete what I've build in weeks/months of hard work. But I don't have time to play the hazing-game, so I guess it's time to say good-bye to that dream.

Well, mood is: "Dunno". *hehe* Guess, that's my main state-of-mind beside manic-depressive and schizo. *LOL*

Random

Dunno what to tell. * Too many parties. Not really exciting. * Talking again with Spanks. But isn't easy, as feelings still too deep. * Gay Pride sucked the last two days. What were we there for? Nobody announced us. Noone tipped us. The 4-Sim-thingens is a mess. What a waste of time. Glad it's over today! * Bought new dances. Huddles will burst soon. And still not enuff. * Felt pretty alone with 50 'friends' online. Uhm! * Already felt rejected of Q. * Seems, I can't be nice to one person without hurtin' another person? So maybe I should stop being nice at all? * Went to bed crying. Prolly just lack of sleep. * What a weekend!!!

getting better

Was getting a little better yesterday. Logged in late, just had five minutes to get dressed for my job at Spiritz. But I only "worked" for 5 minutes, then I asked Kiefer if I could go. I was so not in the mood to entertain after the night before. And there were enuff other dancers.

So I met my brother Rammy for a while. We talked and strolled around and played "burglar"... Well, we didn't really steal anything. *hehe* I just told him, that I will delete the frathouse soon and I want a Toscanian villa and I showed him the villa of Quags friend. But I never feel good to intrude into others homes, although Q. said, I could; it's no problem. The villa is really nice. But I'd need more rooms. Bedroom for me, for Douggie, for Rammy, guest-room etc. - However, I like especially the garden. So quiet and relaxing... Then I showed him the rocks in the ocean with the wonderful waves, which JC showed me a while ago. I want those waves in the new parcel. Should spend more time at those quiet, relaxing places; not always hunting from one dancefloor to the other.

However, I had to leave Rammy for a staff-meeting of Spiritz. And there Kiefer told us, that he gives up Spiritz. We were all very sad. Never earned much money there, but I liked the co-dancers and we always had fun there. I offered to pay half of the rent (Is lower then the rent of the frathouse *lol*), but Kiefers decision was fixed. Well, at least I will have more time for myself now. And I got to know Kiefs bro Rhy, who's as sexy as Kief himself. *sigh* So many nice and hot kittehs out there...

Oh my, it was a night full of IMs again. - Some good, some bad. Imur IMd me and apologized for kidding around with the cheap-thingens. And we were okis then. Tiger can't be angry for too long.

Somewhere in between I showed a new pledge the frathouse. And got a little sad, as I recognized how much work I had to build all that and that it was really good. And now I'm insecure, if I really should give it up. *sigh*

And while showing him the frathouse, my ex-hubbie signed in. What a surprise! After almost two months. But the same moment he logged in he disappeared from my friendslist. I called him and he said, his whole friendslist suddenly was empty. Strange things happening at SL these days! (THESE days?!?) However, we spoke about two sentences and he was already mad at me that I didn't wait for him. Jesus Christ! Things between us weren't good anyways those days and then he disappeared without a word for two months and then I should feel bad, that I didn't wait for him to come back? Did I already mention, that I somehow attract weirdos? Well, he took me of his friendslist again and I should just stop thinking about it. Period.

Well, after all the IMs (had to organize another dancer for Dom's) I just had 5 minutes to visit Lenny somewhere dancing around. Then hunting over to Domineck's. DJ Dafydd was spinning the tunes and we had some fun. Tree came and Imur and Rickie and Lenny and Kyne - and Zak was dancing with me anyways - so we had a good time. Place is becoming really good now.
And uhmmmm... I shared the 1st prize of the contest with Rickie. Maybe I shouldn't have voted for him? *hehe* Nah, is really good to share, and tips were okis anyway. I have some money left and rent is paid for 6 weeks.... So I think, I'll go shopping at Sine soon...

So, the night ended with Q. and Kyne and JC dancing at gay pride. Q. brought me to bed (way toooo late again) and I was in a better mood then night before but tired the same. Thought a lot about relationships and commitments, about the inner fight of the urge belonging to (the) one special person and the urge to get closer to many other persons. Beside my special someone there are so many people I love out there which I want to spend more time with and many more I want to come closer...

Downfall

Ooooomph! Last night it came. Deep depression. Dunno. Some coincidences came together. The other nights I got distracted. I worked the whole night on Tuesday. Two hours at Spiritz, then 5.5 hours at gay pride. My shift was only three hours, but I had fun with the other boys, some nice guests and friends there. It was good, although I almost fell asleep on the dance-floor, so tired I been.

But last night was a mess. Deep inside.

It already started with reading my bro's blog and seeing, that he met Andrej. And somehow it hurt. Got a little envy and jealous, I guess. Thought a lot about the good times I had with my angel, before he changed into that cold and commanding and betraying macho-guy. But I miss the good talks with him. *sigh*

As I logged in later, I first met that weirdo. He had IMd me on tuesday and offered me friendship. I wasn't even rezzed on wednesday, when he already IMd me again and wanted to see me. *sigh* I wanted some time for me alone to chill, but never can say "no". Foolish me. So I invited him to my parcel... and he was still gray but already tried to touch my dick. Gee! I said "hey, hey, hey! Slow down!" and he became all sulky like "Oh, you hate me now! Everybody hates me!" and I just "uh????"
I know, that moment I already should have said good-bye, but I'm just too nice to people. So, I tried to soothe him... and after 5 minutes he asked me, if I would be his boyfriend. - WTF?!?! - I told him, that I just broke up with my bf two days ago and not in search of another one and if I was, then definitely not with a person I just know for 5 minutes (oki, I said it friendlier). And he again "Oh, you hate me know!!!" etc. *sigh* I tried again to soothe him and smiled, to cheer him up, and got as answer "Well, glad that at least YOU are happy!" - Hey, I heard this before (for a moment I was suspicious, that it's an alt), so I told him, that he got the same behaviour as my ex-boyfriend, and I definitely don't need THAT stress anymore. So he asked me if he could become the boyfriend of my ex. Oh my! How weird is that!?! Then he had to go and I was somehow glad.

I went do MenDance - Gregsters Club and danced for an hour there. But Greg had to go to Bangers and asked me to follow. "Pretty in pink" was the theme. So I colored my stripes pink, even my hair pink, some pink shorts and a pink orb... And looked somehow gorgeous.... but then Spanki arrived and my heart started beatin' techno and didn't stop the next two hours. However, I tried to be all party-tiger outside. And won the pink-contest. Was cool, but I tipped the dancers and DJ Greg more then I earned as prize. But it's okay to leave even.

Sooooooo, weirdo was there also. And he asked me, if I would help him find a better neko-tail. So, although I still wanted some time for myself, I said ok. And tried for an hour to find the place where mine is to buy. He got more and more impatient in IMs. Then he wanted ME to buy the tail for him. Why the heck should I spent money for someone I don't even know much? Gee! I'm working hard for my money... However, then he got sulky again, cause he didn't recognize that there was a contest at bangers! That's a little strange, cause Greg said it between every song he played. *lol* And weirdo was so sure HE would have won, if he only would have known it. And he seemed to want the prize-money of me. Isn't that crazy??? It's not my fault, if he doesn't recognize it. And it's always a question of popularity, not really of your outfit. And even IF it was a question of your outfit: He looked ridiculous boring (he showed me the outfit he would have worn, if he had knew of the contest) compared to me.
So, finally I left him. And he took me of his friendslist (thank god!) and that's it. I was just angry about myself, that I wasted some hours on such a crazy guy. Why do I always attract such weirdos? Hm, maybe because others just tell them "Fuck off!", but I can't?

Soooo, I had some time before working at Dominecks. But they needed Premier dancers, so I tried to organize that. Means: Still no time for me and myself. :-( So, I danced with Tim that shift, which wasn't too good for my mood either, but we were oki. And tips were pretty good; not many, but much at once. And... yes, I won the contest. Sowwwwwwyy! But theme was "Best in neko", so who you think would fit better for that then tiga? (Although Jojo looked pretty good as neko...)

But my mood didn't get better, as in IMs Greg asked me to become their slaveboi. I was a little confused because the same time, Zak told me in another IM, that Greg offered him the same and it took a while to recognize, that they were kidding and fooling around. - But I couldn't laugh about it, as especially the collar-issue caused so much trouble between Spanki and me again and again.

And then I went to Big Daddies with Stev and Quag. Got a warm welcome, what felt good (although I didn't know most of the guys pretty good). But Imur, that guy I offered a freebie (after Germany lost the final soccer-game. You remember?), started to call me "cheap". Again and again. And it wasn't funny. I got pretty upset. Must have been the mood. Under other circumstances I would have known how to handle it - especially after he's just a plastic-guy with a big mouth (but calling ME cheap?!?) - but that moment I got upset and felt inferior and wanted to give up escorting and dancing and partying and flirting at all! Why does everybody think, I'm so easy to get??? Even Spanki thought, I had sex with every single dancer at Premier. Well, prolly with everyone I'm spending time with? Is that, what others think of me? Do they really mix up flirting on the dance-floor with easy to get and cheap?

So, I was pretty down. Stev and Quag tried to cheer me up. We went shopping for a while, but it didn't help. And so I asked Quag to bring me to bed. Just to bed. Holding me, when I fall asleep. I needed that. And I felt sick. I dunno, if it was just fatigue or deep depression.

However... I'm tempted to not log-in today. But I promised to work at Spiritz and later at Domineck's. And I think, next week, I'll take some time-out from work. I want to delete the frathouse; building a nice mediterrean house for my family and me. Giving up the frat-group. Will be a lot of work... *sigh*

Bad Tiger

Awwwww, always thought, I'm a good boy, but test (found at JCs) says, I'm a bad, bad tiger. Was disappointed first, but as I saw WHERE I lack of virtue, I can only agree. Well, except of the humility. I'm very humble! I didn't even mention yet, that I won another two contests yesterday!

You Are Somewhat Virtuous

You are occasionally a good person, but you often stop short at doing the right thing. It's just a lot easier (and more fun) to be bad! You do have a reputation to uphold. Deep down, you're a fairly good person. But no one's perfect. You're just a lot less perfect than most people! Where You Are Virtuous You have the virtue of Resolution. You are determined to do what you should, no matter how difficult it is. You have the virtue of Sincerity. You are not deceitful, and you always have the best intentions. You have the virtue of Justice. You treat other people fairly, even when you don't feel like it. Where You Are Not Virtuous You lack the virtue of Order. Many aspects of your life are chaotic and a total mess. You lack the virtue of Chastity. You aren't guarded when it comes to intimacy. You lack the virtue of Humility. You tend to annoy people with your bragging.

Are You Virtuous?

That thing called love

*sigh* It happened again. And I'm afraid this time it's forever. Or not? I dunno. Made listen to songs that tell me that it was just a "so so love" and to "say good-bye"... that sounds final.

I'm tired. Had some very good moments with my prince this week. Thought we can make it. We had relaxed chats, where we could talk about everything. But the closer we came, the more difficult it became again.

So, my big fault is: I like people. And people like me. It's selfish of me, being a little popular. Hm. Ok. How selfish and bad I am, you can read there.

Last night I recognized, that I don't want it anymore. I don't want to watch every word I say, every step or move I take. Just not to "hurt him". I wanted to share my experiences with the one who was supposed to be my partner. But couldn't without making him angry and hurt and disappointed again. He didn't even listen to what I said.

So I said, it doesn't work between us. Yes, that was selfish. I'm sad, but I don't regret it. I guess, tiger isn't just made to be the poperty of one alone. So... good-bye to everyone who can't accept that.

I don't know, whom I belong to
I'm too good for one alone
Cause if I swear fidelity to you now
Another one will be unhappy

Should something that beautiful only please one?
The sun, the stars - they belong to everyone
I don't know, whom I belong to
I think I belong to only myself

Well, maybe that sounds a little bigheaded? I don't mean it that way. But it expresses what I'm here for: Be there for others, please others, but don't loose myself in it.
I was searching for someone who takes care of me. Yes, I do have friends and family who do that. And there are nice people around me. And love. But it's always kind of "work". Working on it. Not one-sided. And I have a bad concious, if I have to neglect the one or the other, because my day only has 24 hours and I'm pretty busy with the jobs.
So, yes... I was considering - only considering! - to take the offer of someone, who promised to take care of me. Care for me without any consideration. And yes, that is selfish. But it seems I'm not grudged this. It hurts him. Oh well... Bad and selfish person I am!

Clintons and Coreys Wedding

On saturday there've been Clintons and Coreys wedding. Finally! Clinton was so exhausted the week before. Yelled at everbody, lost his nerves several times. The original wedding place was cancelled, so he had to organize everything within a few days.

But it was a really nice wedding. Nice ceremony. Even if place was very laggy cause of the zillions of people been there.

And we all just looked gorgeous in the suits Corey and Clinton had bought for us groomsmen and the best men. - Well, gorgeous except of the lapels coat-tails (? or however it is called), which gave each of us a very fat ass. *hehe*

I threw some mice. I love to throw mice! Well, I was told it should be Rice, but how ridiculous and dangerous is that??? Unboiled Rice would only kill the birds which eats it. No, no. Never throw rice!!! - However, place were so laggy, that the mice arrived 5 minutes after I've thrown them. I don't even know, if someone recognized...

So, the two made nice vows. And the registrar held a nice and funny speech. And now I hope, Clinton's getting a little calmer, after everything's over.

I still have no wedding-present. I can't decide between a gift certification of XCite or Sexgen - or a fruit bowl? Hm, I think they already have a fruit bowl, but can you ever have enuff fruit bowls?

However, at the reception I felt a little ignored. Okay, I spend some time with Spanki in IM, having secret Sex dancing very close... but after he had to leave, only Gregster talked to me. I felt very lonely. Strange thingens, that you can feel lonely in such a big crowd.

So, after happy couple left to go to wedding-bed to loose their virginity (*cough*), I went to work at Domineck's. And what happened there - or better after work - that's another point...

Well, seems to me, this is a remake of "4 weddings and a funeral". There already was Dafy's and Tim's wedding. Now Corey and Clinton. This friday Miky and Dej (I forgot about the invitation and signed in for pride-work. Damn!). Then Dash and Mikal (though I didn't get an invitation yet and I'm a little disappointed). And Kyne and Koen too (Kyne asked me to be his best men). Well, and then there's Nia's funeral some day. Just don't know, which day it will be.

Review

It's time for a review. I didn't write much about my adventures this week. But there isn't really much to tell. Working, working, working. Exept of saturday and sunday I worked every day for at least five hours. Well, winning several contests, getting tipped, some luck with sploders (It helps throwing my boots at them!)... So rent is paid for over a month now. That's good. But I'm exhausted. I need a break and some time for myself and my friends. But gay pride is coming... *sigh*

Even on sunday, where I didn't work, I was exhausted. - After I did a last dance with Nia (her picture) in the night-sky to say good-bye, I tried to get some distraction. But every 10 minutes I got an IM from another friend, who asked "How are you today?". Of course that's nice, but how can you get distraction, when you get reminded every 10 minutes? So, I spend the whole night with answering IMs, till I told everyone, that I need some time-out.

Been to dance in a gallery on a cruise-ship, cause I promised DJ Kaj to come there. Brought some friends with me. Could have been very nice, if I wasn't distracted the whole time and couldn't follow the open chat. But I liked the pictures in the gallery. And the ship is biiiiiiiiig! Have to take a closer look at it when I got more time. Amazing, what some people in SL are building. Cool!

Oh, I forgot: On sunday Spanki, Clinton and me gave a kind of dancing lesson to the new dancers at Premier. That was really fun! We logged into Gregster's audio-stream and danced in the pole-room. Later I joined the naked guys at HnH.
And I had the idea of making dance class kind of fixed date. Had the idea of an "Escort and Dancing School" before. Maybe Spanki, Jojo and me could build something like that within Premier? Coaching the new dancers... But too busy already, and it won't get less.

What else? Bought a new penis yesterday. Lotus. Looks better, but not so functional like XCite. And a new AO. And some clothes. - So.... Inventory is messier then ever now. Gee! And all the money I've earned is gone again with that stuff and tipping and paying 2 other weeks rent. *sigh*

And I met Nia's RL-sister Dandy. She build an account to organise a SL-funeral for Nia. We sat at the campfire for a while and she told us some things about her RL- and my SL-sister. Got disturbed by a griefer. Oh, how much I hate them. I was tempted to let him on the parcel, just to blast his body into orbit!

Well, not much else to tell. Busy, busy, busy. No sex, no chilling, no relaxed talking with friends. I soon will need a holiday!

Flickr-Play

Found at JC's blog (I'm lazy and just c&p)

Simply type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr search.

Then, using only the first page, pick an image.

Then, copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into this mosaic maker

1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food?
3. What high school did you go to?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. Who is your celebrity crush?
6. Favorite drink?
7. Dream vacation?
8. Favorite dessert?
9. What you want to be when you grow up?
10. What do you love most in life?
11. One Word to describe you.
12. Your flickr name.

1. Franziskus 2. pasta 3. Rosey cheeks 4. blue 5. Brad Pitt 6. Coffee 7. Australia 8. Pancakes (German version) 9. young 10. love 11. different 12. Franziskus (haven't found Ninetails)

sad weekend

Finally I'm ready to write about saturday night. When I logged in that night, I got Nia's good-bye-message. Had to read it three times to recognize what it means. Somewhere deep inside I still hope, that it was just a rude and brutal way to leave SL, not thinking of the feelings it leaves to the people who loved her. Though it really would be brutal and mean to do such a thing, it gives me hope...

However. I don't know, how I would have survived that night without friends. From all sides I got IMs. Even from people I didn't know very much. And that helped a lot. I felt warmth and love all around me, keeping me up, making me strong. Thank you all!

But first I only stood there for over an hour, didn't know what to do, couldn't move. I got so many offers to get hugged, but I couldn't react. I needed a REAL hug, someone who holds me in his arms so I could FEEL it.. So, I called Spanki. No matter how much we fought in the past... but I always felt his touch for real. And yes, it helped! He hold me for a while. Just hold me. And it gave me strenght. Strength for my brother Rammy, who arrived later and was paralized too.


So, later I was ready to meet some friends. My little brother Kyne came and Jojo and JC and Mikal... And we just sat around the campfire and talked (I've stolen the picture from your blog, JC). And it was good. I'm very thankful to have such friends.


However, I thought a lot about SL these days. My first thought was to leave this world forever. You know - some people think, SL is only there for fun and happiness. What a simple thought that is! Sure, it would be cool - just switch it on and *tadaaa* you're happy. Like you'd take some happy-pills or something? - Well, sometimes it is like that. And for some people it may be always like that... but for me it's a little simple-minded to see it this way. And to be honest: It would be boring. Always being happy and having fun? How would you know, what happiness is, when you never experience sadness?
For me it's much more then this. One point is, to get to know people all around the world. And no, it doesn't matter, if the person before the screen is different to his AV. Who tell's you that behind the hot, dark-tanned, muscular 20yo guy you're flirting with isn't a 80 yo grandpa? But you know what? I don't mind! Well, it's a 20yo guy with experience then. The better! - It's the personality that counts. And the way we want to see ourselves. How we feel inside. And if someone feels, he is a werewolf or a vampire or a fairy (well, that's most of the guys I meet....) or a tiger, then it IS that way. Period.
Some people say, SL is all about roleplaying. I don't think so. You see: In RL we are retricted. Yeah, we can't fly or tp or read other peoples mind and all that stuff. But we are also restricted by our looks, our income, our physical constitution, by laws and morality etc. You cannot be yourself in Real life. Whoever says something else is a liar! (Or he has to show me, how he gets naked in the disco...) So, where do we play a role? Isn't it RL where we are roleplaying? In SL you have freedom. You're born ruthie, without friends, without family, without looks. And you got the freedom to find your looks, to choose your own family, to be who you want to be. It's your personality that counts.
And yes, your personality expresses in your looks too. If you take care of your looks, if you chose a more different, individual skin and shape (and some day I recognized that I'm attracted to those people) - or if you chose a popular skin and shape, which sure is good-looking but makes you a klone to 30 people around you - or if you chose to be a neko, a werwolf, a vampire, an urban cowboy or a little rubber-duck - or if you're careless and think the original plastic-look is good enuff... That all tells something about you! Some people say, I'm empathic; but I just watch.

I'm losing thread a little. But I wanted to explain, that SL is so much more then fun and happiness. People in RL who hear about my adventures often think it's ridiculous. They don't understand anything and they don't have any phantasy. So some friends in SL became more precious to me then some RL-friends. Dangerous? *shrug* As my sister Nia decided to leave both worlds, it not only made me very sad, it also left me helpless. And I asked myself, if I want that any longer. If it is really enough to meet personalities, not persons. If it wouldn't be better to stop this and spend more time in RL, even if that one is restricted. And that's where I had the thought to leave SL. But then I felt it. I mean: I felt it. All the love from different sides. You cannot ROLEPLAY a feeling (oki, some can...). It doesn't matter, if you are on the other side of the globe. It doesn't matter how you look in RL. It just doesn't. Love is love. Feeling is feeling. Emotion is emotion.
And I recognized: I can't leave. I have a task here. The task to get to know personalities. The task to fight loneliness and sadness. The task to fulfill phantasies. That's what I'm doing. And that's what I'm getting. And if it's just a simple thing like having sex with someone. It's so much more (and I think, my partners recognize it. I'm not kidding, when I say that almost everybody tells me after the first time, that he didn't know SL-sex can be that exciting). [Yeah, I know - this attitude isn't the right one to work as escort. I'm way too generous.]
No, I cannot leave this. Maybe it's not a perfect world. But it's a better world then outworld. And I like to do my share to make it even better. You should too!

Playlist

Oi! I'm a copycat. Or copytiger? Whatever! I wanted to have a playlist too like JC. Hm, somehow it doesn't embed right. I'll have to find out, how that works. And I still have to find more music. Too bad most of the songs tiger is searching for he doesn't find. But it's a weird mix at all. Hm, like tiger himself.

P.S.: Ha! Fixed it at last!

Who's who

As some friends complained that there are too many names, I decided to start a who-is-who list with the all the people on my friendslist, as far as I'm mentioning them. I'm starting with my

FAMILY

Kenshiro Pevensey
- my love and companion on Earth, on Gor and throughout the whole universe -

He healed my wounded heart and showed me how wonderful and trustful love can be. He's my master, my slave. My human, my kitteh. My sunlight in the day and my brightest moon by night. I'm devoted to him with my heart, my soul and my body. And so is he to me. Thank you, my Kenshi, my love!

Rammy Urriah
- my oldest brother -

From the earliest days in our second lifes we know each other. There were months when we were inseperable. But then each one started to follow his own path. He's the person who knows the most about me, even about my RL (but don't ask him, he won't tell you *hehe*). We still meet almost every time when he's inworld. Sometimes for a good talk, sometimes just for a hug and a hello.

Dougg Eebus
- my little kitteh -

He had a hard life and I promised to take care of him. He's very small and often mistaken as a child; but he isn't. He's just small, he says. He loves to dress fancy, sometimes girly clothes too. That's oki. Anything that makes him happy. I collared him to show the world, that he's mine and better noone ever hurt him. But I don't take advantage of the collar. Maybe I should?



Spanki Moulliez
- my brother -

My second big love in my linden-life. We broke each others hearts. Too sensitive and too insecure both of us. But finally we could be-friend again, brothered and are best friends forever now. Love you, my princely panthered brother!






Mickael Pevensey
- my lil bro and lil devil -

My man's lil bro RL and SL, therefore officially my brother-in-law, but I adopted him as my bro also. He's my kajirus at Gor and my pet on Earth. Big hearted and brave lil devil. Sometimes a bit tempered. But everyone who hurts him will feel the Tiger's claws and fangs...







JoJo Mandel
- my brother -

Started as Co-dancer at Premier and we became good friends. I can almost always rely on him. Love to work with him or just hang out with him at the pool. Became my brother in August 2008. Love him much. But definitely have to get more incestuous contacts with him. *hehe*
Boyfriend of Dafydd Sodwin.



Justyn Maurer
- my brother -

Met him once in a club and we had sex on the dance-floor. That's a good way to introduce yourself.
He became dancer for Tiger's Tail. Always horny, always eager to get nekkid and so damn sexy, you wanna lick him all over all the time.



Kyne Tigerpaw
- my brother -

Met him as friend of Dafydd Trevellion. And somehow he suddenly was kinda attached to me. Didn't take too long to adopt him as my little brother.
His internet connection is a little annoying - very slow and always crashing. He's partnered to Koen. Don't have to much (body-)contact these days.

Neville Braveheart
- my brother -

Started as dancer for Tiger's Tail Entertainment. While I suffered from my divorce of Q, we came closer and finally we brothered. He's a very sensitive soul and it always hurts me, when he get hurt or someone talks bad about him behind his back.

Jordyn Carnell
- kind of brother -

Call him "JC". Saw him several times before I really met him at a naked photoshoting. Lucky me! He started to read my blog and me his. And somehow we came closer. He's became good friend and a kinda brother, though never officially adopted.
He's the kindest and most helpful soul I ever met in SL, which is sometimes sooooooo annoying! ;-) (You know, what I mean!) Next to my bro Rammy, he is the one who knows the most about my RL. Thank you for your time, Cowboy! (and I have to get a better picture of him soon. With hat!)

Andrej Petlyakov
- my angel -

He started as pledge in our fraternity and became my first big love in my linden-life. But his interests changed and so he became the first to break my heart here. For a while we had no contact, but as I met him again after months, I recognized, how much I missed him. I'm happy that we can be good friends now. He will always remain in my heart.



Tree Amat
- my brother -

Met him as he was a Gorean slave, unsatisfied with his master. Gave him a home for a while and adopted him as brother. He's soooo cute, sexy and naughty. He went back to Gor into Dashiel's and Mikal's family, but isn't too often there, I think. However, I'd like to spend more time with him. Did I mention that he's sexy?

Jeremie Rabeni

- my brother -

Came to the family in August 2008. Unlike my other brothers he, Abadon and me were pets to Q. The family-idea didn't work out, but he will always remain my brother, even if we don't have any contact anymore.

Abadon Kraft
- my brother -

Q brought him into the family as his pet and my brother in September 2008. Like Q had problems with me & Jeremie, I had some problems and insecurity with Q & Abs in the beginning. But things started to work out fine... not too long. However, once brother, always brother. So, I wish you the very best, Abadon. Find peace!

Niambraa Likin (R.I.P.)
- my sister-

I met her while I was shopping. We flirted, though I'm gay. But we had a deep connection. And from that day on, we spent a lot of time together. So I adopted her as sister. Loved to dance and talk with her. Surprisingly she commited RL-suicide in June 2008.

Kitana, wherever you are, I miss you!

Dandy Andel
- my sister-

Niambraa's RL-sister. She came inworld after Nia's death and stayed here. The contact isn't as deep as to Nia, but I promised to take care of her. So I adopted her as sister too.

Vernidi Avro
- my nephew -

Met him in the earlies days of my SL-life. He was looking for a strict daddy who spanks his little ass regularly, but I'm too young to be a daddy. So I became his uncle. Don't meet him too often and he's always fidgeting and on the run, so I gave up caring for his education. But I'm sure he still needs a lot of spankings!

Niambraa Lykin R.I.P.

About an hour ago I came into world, really tired but in good mood. Now I'm devastated. My lovely sister Niambraa Lykin left us. Not only in SL, but she committed suicide in RL two weeks ago. She was 23 years hold. Lived in the Netherlands. Was part Hindi. And she looked like a goddess - not only in SL.

This was her last letter to her SL-friends and family:

Greetings my dear friends.
As you all know i'm not here anymore. Though our hearts are still one. You've all helped me when i was down. My greatest thanks for that. I love you so much my friends. But i just had to go it was my time to go. As you all know a couple weeks before my dead my kitty Twinkle died. I felt weak for weeks. And now i couldnt hold the pain anymore i just had to go. Heaven is my home now. And i'm with Twinkle my lil kitty. I'm happy at least. Though i miss you all so much. Please don't drop any of you're tears. Cause i wouldnt want you to. You all have to keep going and walk you're life path. And find happines and don't try to live like i lived.
SL friends, family, close ones... I love you and sooner or later i will open you're doors to heaven. That's a promise.
I love you and miss you alot, Farewell...
Niambraa

I'm writing this entry with tears running down my face and my whole body trembling in pain cause of the loss. It's not only a SL-loss -which would be bad enuff. I knew her (RL) face, I knew her voice and we felt deeply connected from the first moment we met. Somewhere deep inside of me there's the hope, that it's just a kind of bad, bad joke; a SL-committed suicide, a overdo of role-playing or something like that. The hope that she is okay in RL. She was a little down from the death of her little kitten, but seemed okay apart from that. Had found a new love and deserved to be happy.

I feel paralized at the moment. Not able to move. Not even able to log off. As if SL is my connection to her, and if I switch it off it would be, as if she had never existed.

I will miss you so much, Kitana!!!

and then...

... SL can be very exciting (and exhausting) again. Woah! Thursday was a good day! So much fun though I worked a lot.

First a client.
Then four hours party at PGC. Was fun. When I returned from my first crash, all people around me were ruthie. Some stayed that way till the next crash, for instance Clinton and Tree. I wanted to blackmail them with some embarrassing pictures, but they didn't react. So... here they are! *hehe* It was really funny watching them ruthie, especially Clinton with his open low raise Jeansshort. *chuckle*
At the end we crashed the SIM. Was kinda a funny, cause first I thought, it was only *me* who crashed. But then I got about 20 IMs "Help! TP me! I crashed!" - and I had to laugh a lot. I'm just glad I landed in my home after the relog, not in a crowded place again. Always a little embarrassing, when tiger lands nekkid in some noob-place. (nah. really don't care!) Tips were ridiculous though. But who cares? There were just too many dancers and tip-jars, I guess. At least I had lots of fun.

Went with Jojo (co-worker) and his bf to his apartment on the roof of a skyscraper. Was nice there, but I wouldn't be able to hear that traffic-noise all the time. Well, we wanted to chill-out a little... Oh, and how we chilled! *hehe*

Then relaxing at another party with my little bro for an hour. And then another hour of work at Domineck's. Wasn't there for a while, but made in that hour the same money as in four hours at PGC before. Well, it was mainly the GM and the owner who tipped me. Guests were pretty silent. So, tiger and his family (little bro and Conner joined me) did mostly all of the entertainment. Was nice and Conner won the contest.

Well, then another hour chilling with Conner at the campfire. Maybe longer? Dunno. Lost feeling for time trying out my new "love scene" poseball. Damn! That's a hot thingens! (the poseball! well, Conner too of course) We wanted to have sex since we met the first time at Tristar, but somehow there never was an opportunity. But it was worth waiting for.

Soooooo, working 6 hours, 3 hours Sex, causing 7 RL-orgasms (including my own), not counted the SL-orgasms, having tons of fun.... Let's call it a good day!

sometimes...

.... SL can be a very lonely place. There are days, where I don't know where to go first, to whom to talk first. Busy, exhausting, exciting. And then there are times, you're just strolling around. No party anywhere, no friends online - at least none of those you want to talk to right that moment. And you ask yourself: "Why don't I just switch it off?" Or just doing some of the things I were too busy the whole time: Care for the frathouse, think about it's future. Or cleaning my inventory. Stuff like that. But of course then I'm not in the mood for that either.
However! Last night was such a night. I started in best mood, but then fallen deeper and deeper. And some server-problems which made a log-in for most people impossible, wasn't much help to my mood. Strolled around for hours. Killing time.

Tuesday started so good. Finally had time for someone who wanted to meet me for weeks. And now we met. And it was gooooood. *purrrrrrrr*

Tuesday also was little brothers birthday. So I gave him a birthday-spanking. Was fun. - But wednesday he wasn't on and I missed him.

On tuesday I invited prince to Spiritz, where I worked. We talked...hm... "normal". And met later at his place. Was something between friends, fuckbuddies and lovers. Dunno. But it was okay. - This night he was strange again. Don't know what happened, didn't talk to me. Okiiiiii.... hm.

On tuesday I also won the contest at IGBC: "Elements". Had only 5 minutes to find a costume. So I went naked and attached fire on different body-spots. Looked cool somehow, but I didn't expect to win. Funny thing was: I thought I was fourth and it took me about 15 minutes till I recognized that I made the FIRST prize. *lol* - This night I was there in hope to meet Sir and the others. Okay, I did, but they didn't talk much to me. I felt excluded & lost and I think, that's it. And the music was... uhm.... better don't talk about it.

On tuesday I also helped my new friend Stev with dances. Cool guy he is. Met him the other day, when little brother introduced me to his boyfriend. We had lots of fun at Sine. Somehow we're on same level. I like that. So I helped him with the dances and installing them in a new bought Huddles. And we had fun dancing in the nightsky. He bought me another dance (#33) cause I helped him.
Today we spent some time together too. Dancing at Nekismo, than back to Sine, where I bought that nice couple-dance. Then to bits and bobs, where I bought a fantastic love-scene. *purrrrrrrr* And then testing a nice bed in another shop. So, this was the highlight of the day, I think.

So, tigers mood isn't the best now. Hope thursday becomes better. Will work at the cellar of PGC, as there's special pride-party.

His masters voice?

Okiiiiiii.... This is the about 25th try to write this entry. As I started to write it last week after my fight with prince the entry became very, very, VEEEEEERY private. Too much RL influence there. So I decided to start again... and again.... and again...
Well, it's time to finish it. So I'll just talk shortly (ha! as if tiger could do that!) about my experiences. - Oh my! I can't believe that all of this happened in just 10 days. Felt like half a year or so.

However! Let's go: Met the master a day before I made up again with prince. I wasn't looking for an owner. Tiger is too independent, too self-assure, too dominant to be owned. And the view most of the masters (and slaves) have of slavery is just humiliating and hurting dignity. Tiger's too proud for that. So, I'm still not sure what I was looking for. Tiger likes submission in a sexual play, surely likes punishments (but won't tell the reasons for it - that's the too personal part I mentioned)... but being a 24/7 slave? No. And at the point where master and me made the arrangement, I told him, that my boyfriend (though we were seperated at that moment) always will be my #1. So we agreed, that I only submit to him. Only SUBMIT to him. And only submit TO HIM. Not being his slave.

So, saturday I made up with prince again. Offered to cancel the appointment with master. But prince said no, I should go. So I met master on monday and... it was good! It was really good. Getting a whipping with cleaning effect. Cleaning the soul. And feeling cared for. Strange thingens. But I was wearing the whip-marks proudly. And I was eager to meet my prince soon, to tell him everything. But then it all went wrong. He became all grumbly again. But I decided to give him time. But the next day I tried to talk to him and he told me, that I wouldn't care for other peoples feelings. And that I hurt HIS feelings walking around with whip-marks. Oh my! That was so the opposite of what it really was. And I got so angry and told him, that he's the most selfish person I know. I meant it that moment. So... well, seperated again. *sigh*

I just mention it to explain, that tiger was in a very vulnerable mood again. Feeling weak and over-sensitive. Out of balance again. Was glad, master was there. Felt happy and save there, and cared for. But the "play" went too far. He did lead me more and more into a slave-role, and I have to admit, that I liked it somehow and that I encouraged him. So, he's not to blame. He's really nice and caring and was very kind to tiger.
It was like another world. Yes. On the one side a world where I have to care for nothing. Just following commands, being lead, being cared for. On the other side the world of independent tiger, playfull, cheeky, naughty... with friends, obligations, work... a little exhausting too. Well, very exhausting sometimes.
But then master commanded me to call another so-called master "Sir" in public to show him the respect he deserved. And that was the beginning of the end. I understand, that the behaviour of a slave is the reputation of his master. But hello?!? Didn't I say, that I'm not a slave? And why the hell should I call anyone "Sir" only because he calls himself "master". Oh my, I was called "Sir" and "master" so often in my life - without questioning it. They always did it by free will, cause they respected me. There even were some masters who wanted to measure power of will with tiger and begged him at the end that they could submit to him. *lol* Tiger has to laugh sometimes. Some people only see the playful, naughty, foolish tiger-boy on the surface and think it would be easy to bend him. They are so dumb! Behind the mask, there's a powerful will, a quick mind and knowledge way over the average. Not to mention big passion and a deep emotional soul. - Yes, tiger is a little ...hm... "arrogant" deep inside, but it was hard work and he deserved it. So again: Why should I call anyone "Sir" only cause I'm commanded to? - That was the moment I realized, that it's gone too far. And I talked to master and he apologized for stepping over the border and hurting our agreement. And we decided to take a step back. Seemed to be okay so far...

But then tiger was manipulated. Ah, getting so angry by the thought of it! - There was a person who tried to befriend tiger. Tiger was suspicious, but as friendly and open person he gave him a chance. Well, and last week he offered to take tiger as slave. That was so ridiculous! I tried not to laugh and be diplomatic and declined with thanks. But then exactly this person tried to intrude my "other world". And there I got really angry and upset. He couldn't get me as sub, so he sneaked up on my master and asked him, to show how to become a good master. Oh my! If he doesn't know that by himself, he should leave it! But it seemed to me, that he only done that to get power over tiger this way. And that made tiger very upset!
My first urge was to eject him from friendslist and cancel every contact. But tiger learned - thanks to master - to open his mouth and to express himself. So he told that person, that he's angry with him. And as they talked, he told me, what master reputedly said. Something like that it's not my concerne as his slave to complain about it and a lot of other really slave-humiliating stuff. Oh, I was so disappointed. I sent back collar and cuffs to master and almost left group and ejected him from friendslist.
Thank God I wanted to leave him peacefully as he did very much for tiger and really cared. So I called him to say good-bye and apologized for causing so much trouble... and found out, that the other person lied. Oh my, he twisted masters words so much, manipulating me to leave master. I'm so angry with that person! He better never cross my way again!

Well, so... that was my trip into the world of slavery and/or submission. I'm still not sure, how much I like it. Somehow I do, but then again my pride comes through. I'm just not born as slave, I guess, but enjoyed the cared for and warm feeling I got. We will stay "friends", master said. Whatever that means. I was tempted to beg him, to give me those cuffs and collar back, but I was afraid, what he would think of me weirdo, not able to make up his mind.
And the thought of giving myself up and everything in his hands, is still tempting. Maybe some day... I don't know. I still call him master and Sir, just because I adore him and I'm thankful. The chance is gone, I guess. We rushed too fast into it. Makes me a little sad, that I caused so much trouble. But somehow I'm calmed and balanced and strong again. Hm... it must be wednesday!